Fighting the Forbidden Thoughts.

First of all: I am completely overwhelmed by your support. It is simply unbelievable, and it means the world to me. It truly does. THANK YOU.

Today, eight days has passed since I found out that... that I'm sick. And I still know absolutely nothing about what's going to happen. My mom called the hospital this afternoon and was told that there will be at least another week, probably more, before the tests will start.

In other words, I'm waiting. And waiting.

I go for walks every day. I read Harry Potter. I eat, I sleep, I floss, I take my vitamins and pay my bills. I do everything I can to keep my head above the surface.

Waiting.

Trying to get through each day. Trying to keep it together. Trying not to give in to those dark, appalling, paralyzing thoughts. Trying, but not always succeeding.

I feel like the sky is falling and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet and I'm trying so, so hard to keep my balance, but I can't help thinking: why fight to keep steady if the world is coming to an end?

But I'm not allowed to think like that. Those are the Forbidden Thoughts. Because I need to stay positive, I need to be determined, confident that I can beat this.

And there they are again, those thoughts: When was I last positive, determined, confident? Am I supposed to suddenly start feeling more positive, determined, confident now that I've found out I have cancer? How?

Forbidden, Forbidden, Forbidden.


Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, go away.
Good thoughts, good thoughts, here to stay.

Thank you for believing in me. For being so unbelievably caring, supportive, understanding, loving. Thank you.
I really, really need it.

The C-Word.

"Bad things happen, all the time, sure. But they won't happen to me."

You know that feeling, right? I used to think like that, of course I did. Then my best friend found out that she had cancer, for the second time. And then she died. And I stopped thinking that bad things can't happen to me. When I lost her, I also lost that naive yet comforting feeling of being safe, sheltered, protected. It happened to Fanny, and it could happen to me.

Now it has.

On Monday morning, at 9:55, my phone rang. The call lasted for less than a minute. A nurse told me that they had gotten the test results back from the surgery I had two weeks ago, and asked me to come in right away. And not to come alone.

I knew. Obviously I knew. There was no other explanation.

Ronnie and I met up with my mom and step-dad at the hospital at two in the afternoon. Went up to the sixth floor. Were called into a tiny examination room.

"Well", said the doctor, "unfortunately we found cancer".

This was less than 50 hours ago. We still know very little about what's going to happen. All I do know is that I have cervical cancer and that I have a severely difficult time ahead of me. And that I'm scared out of my mind.

I'm not yet sure what I'm going to do with the blog. I have no idea how much I'll want to share about what's to come. But I knew straight away that I want you guys to be aware of what's going on. Partly because you have been a wonderful support to me so far, and I wouldn't want to deprive myself of that support in the future. I really think that would be stupid, since I now need it more than ever.

I'll be doing my best to stay strong, even though right now I have no idea how. I have to do everything I can to get through this. Because no matter how much I love and miss my best friend who's my angel in heaven, I'm hoping not to be reunited with her just yet. Maybe in sixty years or so.

Hopefully everything will work out great and I will be healthy and happy in no time. That's what I'll be praying for. I'd truly love it if you'd do the same.

PS. I'm sorry, but I probably won't be able to return comments or e-mail any time soon. There's simply too much going on. But of course I read every word and appreciate any kind of support endlessly. DS.

Kitty Cuddling.

Hey, look, I made a little something! A video for everyone who loves cats as much as I do. Starring Biianka and Baryshnik, a.k.a. my favorite fur-balls in the whole world. I'm hoping you'll watch it and go "aaaaaaaaw"!

Sun-drenched memories.

Sure, I might complain a lot about the summer heat, but seeing these photos, I'm ready to take it all back. I can't even being to explain how much I miss it! I miss the long days, the sensationally beautiful light, my summer wardrobe; I miss the green, the flowers, the bare legs. Hell, I even miss the bugs! (Nope, that was a lie.)

It's no wonder I can't take any pretty outfit photos anymore - I never get dressed in anything but sweatpants except when I go somewhere for the day, and when I come back, it's already pitch black outside. Not to mention that winter is starting to creep up on us, and the heavy coats and layers of thick woollen tights don't seem to translate that well onto photos. It's hard to imagine that I actually posted new outfits every day for months!

And also... I can't help thinking that I was happier back then. I know, intellectually, that things weren't better. But I don't think I was this sad, this low. Maybe I'm just fooling myself, I can't tell. All I know is that I would love to close my eyes, mutter a spell under my breath and be back in one of those sun-drenched photographs. Mosquito bites and all.

Movie night.

Taking some time off from the blog is probably good for me - I'm reading so much more, and watching way more movies when I don't sit at the computer all day - but I really do miss my, you know, "committed" blogging. Well, hopefully I'll feel better soon and have more energy to photograph outfits and write long posts! Until then, I'm making the most of all my free time. Tonight, I'm going to the movies with my boyfriend and my baby sis Amanda. I don't get out of the house much nowadays, so I'm thrilled to put on a pretty dress and actually go somewhere with the people I love! And I'll admit, I can't wait to stuff my face with the greasiest popcorn I can find...