Thursday, June 9, 2011

"You can take your pain and throw it away, move on and never look back. But then it will all have been for nothing. Then all it did was hurt."







Denim shorts and brown leather bag, H&M. Dark brown leather sandals, Zara. Brown leather belt, Gina Tricot. Cherry earrings, inherited from my best friend. Navy polka dot sheer blouse, Monki.






This is what I looked like when my sister and I took the train into Stockholm on Tuesday. She was still asleep when I took the photos, that's why she's not in them. You snooze, you lose! Mooahaha.

Amanda and I went with our mother to an early screening of a movie they're making based on one of my mom's books. It was one of the best nights in forever for me - not because the movie was amazing (it was good, though), but because of someone I met at the screening. He's a Swedish author, and not just any author - but the one I admire above every other. His name is P.O. Enquist and he's written so many of the books I love the most. Meeting him was not only an honor, it was truly inspirational!

Although... I wish I'd had the guts to tell him how much his writing has helped me through the years. That I keep a quote from one of his books in my wallet, as a reminder of why it's so important to use the hard and painful things you've been through to make the world a better place in your own way.

It's impossible for me to translate it word by word, because the strength of it gets lost in translation. At least maybe I can capture some of the the meaning of the quote, and it goes something like this:

"You can take your pain and throw it away, move on and never look back. But then it will all have been for nothing. Then all it did was hurt."
From Captain Nemo's Library by P.O. Enquist

Those words mean so much to me, and I try to live my life by them. I completely understand why people who go through hardship want to bury their pain and simply focus on living as full of a life as possible, instead of dwelling on their hurt. But I can't do that. Because growing up, I felt so alone with my thoughts and my pain - and my shame. Being bullied is immensely shameful, having an eating disorder is shameful, being depressed is shameful. No, wait. It's not. But that's what it feels like when you're in the middle of it - especially when you're under the impression that you're the only one going through this.


I'm the only one with no friends, the only one who just can't get people to like me. The only one who's afraid to go to school because they'll call me even worse names than they did yesterday and I know I'll cry in front of everybody, again. The only one who'll never get kissed. The only one who can't manage to be thin and beautiful without making myself sick. The only one who can't simply be happy and cheerful and appreciative of everything I have. The only one who can't figure out how to live a life.  

I'm still me, I'm still the same person I was ten, fifteen, twenty years ago. But at the same time, I'm not. I can't imagine dealing with what that version of me had to go through. If there is anything I can do to help out younger people dealing with those same issues, anything at all, I feel like I have a responsibility to do just that. Even if it's only by sharing my experiences, to let others know that they're not alone. That they're not the only ones. And that even though it might not seem like it, the sun will one day rise and they'll realize that from this moment on, everything will be a little easier. A little less painful. Maybe even okay. And some day they'll look back and think: yeah, it did frickin hurt. But without it, I wouldn't be where I am right now. And I kind of like it here. 



18 comments:

  1. Actually, by sharing those stories from the past, you are helping younger people go through life. It's nice to know that the really famous bloggers, have had their struggles :)
    I love the top by the way!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow meeting the author you admire most is really a dream coming true!
    I agree with you about pain...it's painful (obviously) but it helps you growing. Pain is part of the life we live.
    Anyway you look amazing!

    http://lifeisaromanticpoem.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. U look so great!i love the polka dot shirt the belt and the sandals ;))) red lipstik is perfect for you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lovely ;*
    xoxo

    the-strawberry-angel.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. looks so gorgeous!! love ur shirt and sandals! :)

    sweetdifferences.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just love how you're able to mix fashion and emotion and make it truly sincere. It's really amazing and I think it reflects wonderfully on your character and writing ability.

    Please keep posting!
    Bridget

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you so much for posting this. So inspiring and true. I could not agree more. I just wrote down that quote and plan to memorize it - so good.

    Jess
    turn that frown upside down

    ReplyDelete
  8. Annika, I love how beautifully transparent you are with yourself. You open your heart to us in an unimaginable way that is so real, so down-to-earth, and so comforting. Oh, and by the way, do you know how freakin’ beautiful you are??? I will probably repeat that to you a million times more in the future. You are a gorgeous bombshell :) And absolutely adore the photos with your kitty, so cute.

    www.TheFancyTeacup.com
    much love.

    ReplyDelete
  9. really love your photos and outfits! they are so dreamy , gorgeous and fairy! It´s quite hard to describe them with words! the just give me that kind of inspiration I need every day ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. cool opportunity! you looks so cute with your hair up like that!

    ReplyDelete
  11. P.O är så bra! Och min farmor är från samma by, Hjoggböle. Det är fint!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for not being superficial.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I just look up to you so incredibly much... You're amazing Annika. I'm only seventeen years old and a lot of the issues you dealt with in the past are currently feelings/ issues I'm dealing with now. Extreme loneliness. Not having any friends. Depression and having OCD with a side of a slight eating disorder. To see where you are in your life though now makes me hopeful that all of this will get better for me. That someday I can be as stong as you. You are such an inspiration!

    Thank you so much for dropping by my blog and leaving such a dear comment... You have no idea how much it meant to me! I'm so glad that my comment made you feel better... I just thought that what that anonymous comment said was so out of line and I don't know why anyone would ever want to be mean to you. You're perfect and so inspiring for many girls out there.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh, Annika, you are probably the coolest person ever. And the most beautiful. I really enjoyed this post- I've never heard of that author and I reallllly need to check him out! What a perfect quote : )

    ReplyDelete
  15. You're doing a great job by sharing your experiences! You're really helping those who pass for the same thing!

    You're just so strong and cool! Love it!

    http://myfashioninsider.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ms. Annika - you are so stunning. The photos today are wonderful - especially the cute smiles with P.O. Enquist!

    And then there's the fact that you write about something so real and important, and you do it with an effortless grace. I love your writing style - and the topics you choose to highlight.

    I've said it before - I'll say it again: You are so strong, stunning and inspiring. Thank you.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Annika, this post made me cry! I was feeling so down on myself today when I came upon your blog. I am so grateful I did. That quote is the best quote I have ever heard. You are so inspiring and you are helping me so much by just keeping this blog! Lots of love :)

    ReplyDelete