Sometimes, when reading your comments, I feel like such a fraud. Mostly when sentences like "wow, you really have the perfect life, don't you?" and "I'm going through such a hard time right now, and it inspires me to know that someone who has gone through similar things can be so happy and well-balanced today" pop up.
I do have a good life. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family, two cats that I love so much my heart aches, a house I adore and a job that lets me spend my days doing the only thing I've ever wanted to do. Of course it's good. Great, even.
But I'm not happy. That's a fact.
I wouldn't say that I'm lying here on the blog - what I write about my life is, of course, true. It's just that the reality is that the truth is so much more complex. I choose to share a part of the truth, a paper thin slice of my life; the rest is kept inside. Most of the time, I'm okay with this. On particularly bad days, I feel like shit for not letting you in on what's really going on.
Today has been one of those particularly bad days.
After a night full of nightmares, I woke up early but couldn't get up. When I say couldn't, I don't mean wouldn't. I don't mean I didn't want to. I mean I could not do it. I couldn't move. This whole week has been difficult, more full of anxieties and worries than usual, and this morning I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't see the point of getting out of bed. I didn't see the point of anything.
On days like these, I'm 100% certain that this is actually what I always feel like. That I simply try so hard to conceal these feelings, even to myself, that I'm able to live a "normal" life - but every time I let my guard down, I'm thrown straight back into the pitch black hole of anguish, agony, misery, hopelessness and despair that is depression. Then I'm entirely convinced that the worst days are the true days. That the days when I feel better are nothing but make believe.
A good thing: I would guess that I'm not too far down the hole yet. This morning, when I felt like the Earth was crumbling beneath me, I didn't feel like I wanted to die. Instead, I wanted to go back in time and just cease to exist. That way, Ronnie and the cats couldn't miss me, since they never even met me. My mom would, a long time ago, have come to terms with the fact that she only has two children. The world would keep turning, new lives would appear as others are blown out like candles, the sun would rise and set and rise again and I wouldn't be aware of any of this. Because I would be a part of nothing, feeling nothing, regretting nothing.
Yes, this is all good. You see, since I don't have access to a time machine, there's not a very vivid possibility that I'll be able to go back in time and carefully remove myself from the face of this planet before anyone gets too attached to me. I might not want to live all of the time, but at least I don't want to die. I have to live with the intensely painful loss of my best friend every moment of every day and I can't stand the thought of putting the people I love through that excruciating experience. And as long as there is life, there is hope.
After spending hours holding me, drying my tears, desperately trying to distract me from the darkness inside, Ronnie got very quiet for a minute and then said: "you know you have to go see a doctor again, right?".
Right. I know.
I need to go see a doctor and tell him or her that I've been struggling with depression for a long, long time, that I thought I'd gotten better but apparently I didn't, or maybe I did get better but hey, surprise, the bitch is back and she's just as determined as always to destroy my life. That I need help. That I can't do it on my own, I've tried and I've failed and I keep trying and I keep failing.
But it's like every time it gets a little bit harder. Partly because seeking professional help means admitting to myself that I'm depressed, partly because each relapse is the result of another failed attempt to get well. You know, I did get help. Then I got help again, again, again, again, again and yet again. And still I'm not sure if there will every come a time when I'm happy.
I keep struggling, though. I try my best to make the most out of the good days, and when the bad ones come, I try to remind myself that yesterday wan't that terrible. I sometimes scroll through the blog, forcing myself to see: hey, look! This is another part of the truth. I wouldn't say you seem that sad here? You might be in hell today, but there's a chance you won't be tomorrow.
I'm going to sleep now. Then I'm going to wake up in the morning, have a light breakfast, drive to yoga class. I'm going to breathe deeply through my nose and tell myself, over and over:
Life may have its ups and downs but no matter where it takes you, it's always worth living.
Maybe this time I'll believe it.
Jag skickar en massa kärlek till dig, Annika. Jag har liknande problem som dig och jag vet hur jobbigt och svårt det är.
ReplyDeleteJag hoppas att du snart mår bättre och att du lyckas hitta något sätt att bearbeta sorgen på.
Fina du <3
I think it was incredibly brave of you to post this. My mum has struggled with depression since before I was born, and I know she has days exactly like that where she simply can't find the motivation to even get out of bed. She describes it not as feeling sad but as simply feeling nothing. If it helps at all, my mum has been on medication for her depression now for over 15 years and she mostly has good days. She says before she started her medication she would have bad days nearly every second day, now she has one maybe one or twice a month.
ReplyDeleteI know it gets really annoying when people don't understand that depression isn't simply being sad, it's actually a mental disease, depression is due to a chemical imbalance of those charming little reactions that make us happy. People don't seem to get it. Try explaining to your friends that you can't go out tonight because your mum needs you to stay home and take care of her. Depression is still such a taboo topic, and there is still so much misinformation about it. I think people like you who publicly post about such an awful disease are really helping to remove the stigma surrounding depression. It doesn't matter if your life appears perfect, doesn't matter if you're tall, gorgeous, have a wonderful boyfriend and two possibly even more wonderful cats! Depression is an absolute bitch of a disease and it gets anyone and everyone.
I'm not going to bother telling you that 'I hope you feel better' because unfortunately depression doesn't work that way, right? But I hope going to the doctors and talking about offers a solution. And I hope that, like my mum, you'll start to have many, many more goods day than bad :)
Much love,
Laura xx
I know how you feel, dear <3 It's a circle, a bad, bad circle - and just when you think you've made it through - something goes wrong. I'm glad you're getting help, because sometimes we need a little help.
ReplyDeletei adore you
ReplyDeleteMen, jag ÄR övertygad om att det kan bli bra. Och om jag kan tro det så måste det nog vara så. Du är bra! Kram!
ReplyDeleteYou know what, I know how you're feeling. I lost my best friend and then i lost my dad - and i'm only 14. It's hard, I'm already not sure am I ever happy. This post is like I wrote it. Hahh. It's hard. And all I want is to be happy and have a normal and happy family. That's all. But it seems so impossible.
ReplyDeletemy blog♥mfashionfreak
Thank you for your honesty! It is so easy to read someone's blog and imagine that they have a perfect life, but really - life isn't that simple and no one wants to write about the down times or the sad times.
ReplyDeleteI truly hope that you do find happiness.
I'll admit, sometimes reading your blog, I feel as though you do have the perfect life. then you mention something about your best friend, and I feel guilty for thinking like that.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog because you are a real person, who inspires me. it seems like you've been through so much, and you've gotten through. you're doing what you want to do - writing, which is something I want to do, but am afraid of pursuing.
my boyfriend of more than a year and I broke up yesterday. sometimes, I just burst into tears randomly. sometimes, I am okay. but I will be okay, because I know that there's people like you who have been through so much more, and have gotten through it.
thank you for your honestly, and for the posts you make. I truly appreciate them. I hope that, for you, things will get better eventually.
Also, always remember about you have - amazing family,amazing boyfriend,cats you love,amazing blog,amazing clothes and amazing followers.
ReplyDeleteBut, there's one thing missing - happiness. I truly believe that it will come one day. It will come to your life.
my blog♥mfashionfreak
Annika, you truly do inspire me. Not because you're beautiful or have the shoes I love (both of which are true!), but because of your ability to be honest. Even if you only share parts of the truth at times, you share with us and I admire that.
ReplyDeleteI know what it's like to struggle with depression, and I don't even have a valid reason like you. I have a great life and a best friend, but sometimes I still wish I didn't exist. A lot of the time, actually. I've sought treatment, but all I learned from that was how to make myself a better actress - to make people believe I was better. I tried to be honest, but I only learned to lie better.
The above is more than I've told even those who are closest to me. You inspire me to try honesty again. Thank you. I think we can both make it and find happiness in our existances <3
xx,
Shayli
http://whatthemirrorsaw.blogspot.com/
You know we love you, Annika. We're so far apart but please know we're here for you always x
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest. I too have had a life long struggle with the big D and it's awful. What's worst is not being able to explain why you're upset to friends and family. Stay strong and get the help you need. I scheduled and canceled my initial appointment a million times, but eventually went through with it. I'm so thankful I did. Lastly, thank you for being so open and honest.
ReplyDeleteI cried a great deal reading this post. I'm actually still crying now a little.
ReplyDeleteI'm sad that you have these feelings, I'm sad because I recognise them and sad because I fear them.
I lost two friends in one year and the main effect it had on me was a crippling awareness of death. Both of them died in accidents, one from a fall, one from a car crash. I was mostly angry at the time but now it means that I have a fear of suddenly losing my love who is my life.
I fear that I would fall apart completely if I did. I understand how you feel, although I haven't felt it all, but I imagine it far too much.
To me you are a strong person and your grief is nothing to be ashamed of. It's important. Please keep living though, please keep believing that the grief is not the only thing.
You're a very strong person to go through this. And very wise to realize the important difference between never existing and ceasing to exist. I'm more than sure that many people, including myself, will tell you that they can relate to you and this struggle, knowing what it's like for a good day to be okay and a bad day to be pure hell. One of the biggest issues with being helped is that something that may work for many may have a paradoxal effect on you, what makes some people happy may make you weep, and what make some people feel normal may make you feel suicidal. It's all trail and error and you never know how it'll turn out or if it'll be good for you. I don't blame you for not wanting to try and try and try again, it's exhausting. And it may just be worse. But at least take comfort in knowing that these strangers who read your posts do love you and care about you and can support you. Many of us have fought this and are still fighting it. You are a beautiful and sweet girl, and you are not alone <3
ReplyDeleteI admire your honesty! You are true inspiration Annika :)
ReplyDeleteOh dear Annika!
ReplyDeleteI feel we're so similar, in so many levels.
I don't really belive in traditional concept of happiness anymore. All that happiness really is, is your attitude towards life - and especially that part of life where bad things happen and negative feelings arise. Not all people are naturally positive and optimistic (and you can't really chance that), but you do have at least some power towards yours own thoughts. Even in the middle of darkness. I hope we both learn to control the darkness in our minds better. It does seem crazy to have it all so good, yet have it all be nothing. Because that it really is, nothing, when you feel like that.
Lots of love and hugs, you are an amazing, brave girl!
-jessi
Oh man, I totally know where you're coming from. I went through years of hell because of my mother, which seemed to escalate after she had a hysterectomy and stopped taking hormone supplements. She just sort of...went down a slow slope of emotional psychosis. Luckily my fiancée has actually helped my depression and general frigidness in terms of emotionality, but she herself still faces anxiety and days where she lays in bed curled up and says, "there's no point, is there?" She used to drink and self-harm, both of which I've helped her stop doing, and she's so much better now, but depression just doesn't go away that easily all the time.
ReplyDeleteThe best things to help are support from family and friends, by far, and the will and want to be better. Just hold on to who and what you love, and what makes you feel happy. It's the little things in life, after all, that can make a difference. I swear, you can find inner peace and happiness if you keep at it. It takes a lot of strength to be able to ask for help, so don't ever be afraid to do so.
I really do hope you get better, Annika. You're such a bright and lovely lady, and no one, especially you, should ever have to suffer from depression. You'll be okay, though. :)
Of course it's worth. Not being able to live a "normal life", is not a problem in itself. This is the translation of our personalities, our uniqueness and our strength.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, yes, it's hard to accept ... Why things are not they easier? Do I have to suffer?
But if it were easier, we would not be who we are. We would lose what we hold most precious: our depth.
The thing that makes each experience more real, every message delivered more authentic.
But at a price. To clean regularly. Get rid of the useless, to empty itself to find the essential. It takes us a ton of dust which prevents us from breathing. But once done, we breathe again and we continue to move forward. Until the next cleaning. With help sometimes. Whatever.
The next question would be: When do the cleaning will be completed?
Never. It is a fact. Only the tools are different. We start by picking up the dust grains by hand. Then with a ballet. Then with a vacuum cleaner. The difficult and overwhelming at the beginning seems easier with time. Just keep in mind that things are still evolving and deeply believe that's a better way to find ourselves in one piece, strong and confident.
This comes from a person who has a long and often cleaned. Happy to have found a vacuum cleaner. Who fights still to find its true place in the world, one that does not fit a normal life. No matter, I assume and I am proud ...
Laurie Odette
Of course it's worth. Not being able to live a "normal life", is not a problem in itself. This is the translation of our personalities, our uniqueness and our strength. Sometimes, yes, it's hard to accept ... Why things are not they easier? Do I have to suffer?
ReplyDeleteBut if it were easier, we would not be who we are. We would lose what we hold most precious: our depth. The thing that makes each experience more real, more authentic every message delivered.
But at a price. To clean regularly. Get rid of the useless, to empty itself to find the essential. It sometimes takes us a ton of dust which prevents us from breathing. But once done, we breathe again and we continue to move forward. Until the next cleaning. With help sometimes. Whatever. The next question would be: When do the cleaning will be completed?
Never. It is a fact. Only the tools are different. We start by picking up the dust grains by hand. Then with a ballet. Then with a vacuum cleaner. The difficult and overwhelming at the beginning seems easier with time. Just Keep in mind that things are still evolving and deeply believe that's a better way to find us ourselves in one piece, strong and confident.
This comes from a person who has a long and often cleaned. Happy to have found a vacuum cleaner. Who fights still to find its true place in the world, one that does probably not a "normal life". Whatever. I am proud to have picked up all dust grains and I'm ready for those who remain.
Laurie odette
Oh, Annika... You're a beautiful girl, and to be honest, it bugs me when people say they're depressed because they usually aren't really. But you don't bug me at all. I know you're really hurting, not just being dramatic and looking for pity, and it makes me so sad. I don't even know you, but I look up to you. I honestly have been staying out of the sun lately because I want to get gorgeous pale skin like yours. You make me want to be a better writer. You inspire me with every post you write. I adore you, even only knowing what you put on this lovely blog. And I sincerely hope that someday you are happy. I'm not telling you to cheer up. I know it can't be that easy. I am just saying that you deserve to be happy. And I admire you so much for being so honest, putting this out there for the world to see. You are so, so brave, and you will make it through this a happier person, no matter how long it takes. *big bear hug*
ReplyDeletexoxo
Em
Dear Annika, as someone who has just began to read your blog last month, I immediately loved it. It seemed fun and truthful and honest and real. After reading this post, I just wanted to say: I know. I know and I have someone in my life that is going to the hardest time and has come to the conclusion she needs help. My aunt, after the death of my grandad. I have a great life. I really great life. And I feel so unmotivated to do anything that I feel guilty. So I hide my head in the sand.
ReplyDeleteIn the movie "Seven", Morgan Freeman's character quoted Hemingway: The world is a beautiful place and is worthing fighting for. His character agreed with the first part. The same could be said of life.
I hope you always find yourself worth fighting for.
<3 Hang in there beautiful girl! I know exactly what you're feeling...I stuggle with depression, too and it is such an awful and life controlling disease. Just know your blog followers and friends will always be here though to support you no matter what you life is like!
ReplyDeleteYou are truly a wonderful and inspiring person.
ReplyDeletei know that feeling so well, it is my exact feeling sometime, honey you are a real sweetheart, most beautiful eyes, an amazing smile, great sense of humor, beautiful girl, hope u feel better,i dedicate a song to u, bruno mars just the way you are
ReplyDeleteHello, I myself often fall into the grips of depression so I'm not necessarily the best advice giver or anything on this subject but I just wanted to let you know that it will get better. It might seem like it never will and the possibility that you'll be happy one day may seem like a mere dream but know that it does get better. I'm sending you all my love because I've been following you for quite some time and I know that you're an unbelievably amazing person who deserves nothing but the best. Know that you have tons of people supporting you through everything. We all care deeply for you <3
ReplyDeleteHi sweet wonderful Annika!
ReplyDeleteI'm living with depression too. Though I'm not the one having to face all the demons, my boyfriend is. Like Ronnie, I have to be there and support. And every time my boyfriend falls, I'll try to show him that I care. And I remind him, as you remind yourself, that yesterday or last week wasn't so bad. Cause there's ups and downs. And I think, maybe, that it is very hard to think that it has ever been good times when you fall deep. But mostly we have good days. It aches to here these words, though I'm "glad" you wrote them. I hope everything works out fine, I know it will. But when you write in black, you probably need too.
Lots of love,
Kajsa
Massor kramar till dig, och kämpa på för en dag kommer du bli fri från den här skiten, bara att vägen dit är himla svår.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. Whether through a blog or facebook or whatever we all choose to present a tiny construction of ourselves for everyone to see. People get shocked when I admit I suffer from depression because, "Well, you always seem so .. . happy.". Pretending is pretty exhausting!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds contrived but stay strong, and enjoy every happy mood you get because the more you enjoy them the less the bad times come to define you.
Best of Luck x
I've been a reader of you for a couple of months now, but this is the first time I dare to say something. I think it was really-really brave of you to post this. And hard as hell, that's for sure. And I came to tell you, I've been there, too. Well, I still am. People think I have a wonderful life - I have a loving family, caring friends, seven cats that I adore to tiny bits, I have good grades, even amazing grades, I speak five languages, and on top of that, I'm blonde, blue-eyed, skinny as a match, and tall. Sounds good, doesn't it? Right, I thought so, too. And then I met HIM. It all started as a regular high-school romance, we found out that we're going to be in the same class, we stayed up late and just talked, and talked and talked. I liked him, he liked me. Of course I fell in love with him immediately, probably after our first conversation in chat, without seeing his face or hearing his voice I knew I can't help it. I loved him with such deep passion, you know, in that suicidal way when you would do really anything for him without a second thought. I was happy, I was in love. Then we had our first day at school, and since that day he hasn't spoke to me a word. Not a single one. I caught him staring at me almost all the time, but he never-ever spoke to me again. Never. And since then, I struggled with depression. I was afraid to admit it to myself but slowly I realized it can't be anything else. Like you, I just couldn't get up, go to school, listen to my teachers, smile, like I always did and pretend that everything's alright. I couldn't eat, or sleep, there wasn't anything that could distract me, help me not to think about how miserable and pathetic I am, not even writing which is my life ever since then. I don't know how I managed to climb out of that black hole of mine, I would say, I've never got out completely. There are days when I feel like it's pulling me closer again, and I fight and struggle, but sometimes I just give up and there isn't anything I can do. And the fact that I still have to see his face everyday is not helping either.
ReplyDeleteYou may say I'm just 17 and I don't know anything about life, I'm young, pretty, maybe even talented, I speak one of the most beautiful languages in the world, I could do anything and be anything I want to be. You can laugh at me and say, silly girl, go back to your books, play with your cats and be happy as the others of your age. But I wanted to tell it already, spit it out, and now that I've written it down, I feel already better. I just wanted to let you know, that there are others. And that we're all here, loving you and caring about you.
Lots and lots of love and good wishes,
Lilia
Tack så himla mycket för att du skrev det här. Jag är lite på samma ställe. Jag tror jag är lite deprimerad. Eller att jag i alla fall har börjat leva med svår ångest igen. Men jag vill inte erkänna det, inte inse att jag misslyckats med att må bättre. Borde verkligen gå i terapi IGEN, men precis som säger vore att söka professionell hjälp att erkänna att man är där igen.
ReplyDeleteDet här inlägget fick mig att känna mig mindre ensam och dålig i mina tankar och känslor. Fick mig att komma lite närmare att ta tag i det hela också.
Jag hoppas verkligen att du klarar av att må bättre snart och att det lite magiskt sådär börjar lösa sig.
Åh, tårarna bara rinner just nu. Du är så fantastisk på att sätta ord på känslor. Jag känner igen mej så himla mycket. Så mycket! Jag har också ett fint liv, en underbar pojkvän, gör det jag vill men ändå kommer känslan ibland. Jag har egentligen alltid varit en skör person. Jag har alltid varit extra orolig. Kan komma ihåg att jag som liten haft katastroftankar och oroat mej. Och jag har också sökt hjälp, äter antideppressivt och mår bättre. Men för två år sedan dog min älskade pappa och livet blev så skört. Jag kämpar och är ofta tacksam för att jag har det så bra, livet är verkligen inte nattsvart jämt. Men det är jobbigt att kämpa. Tänk att vara en sån där människa utan nojjor. Känner också igen mej så himla mycket i att tro att när det är som svårast är det så verkligheten verkligen är. Jag tror liksom att jag har kommit till insikt över hur allt är såna stunder. Men så är det ju inte. Ändå kan jag känna att jag blir lite, lite bättre oändligt långsamt på att hantera det som är jag. Tack för den här texten. Även om jag inte önskar dej att må dåligt, absolut inte, så var det som att få en varm kram, du är inte ensam, att läsa den.
ReplyDeleteKram fina du!
Jag vill inte låta som nån hobbydoktor eller så, men det kan vara att det inte är din ambitionsnivå som är för låg. Sämre blodvärden eller hormonnivåer kan ju också yttra sig på jävliga sätt. Det kan ju vara något sånt som spelar in också.
ReplyDeleteAtt leva är aldrig, aldrig någonsin att misslyckas. Det är svårt ibland, livet, och ibland tar det lång tid och många försök att sudda ut det där mörkaste mörkret, men det går.
ReplyDeleteDu verkar som en alldeles fantastisk människa och jag är övertygad om att du har styrkan som krävs för att ta dig igenom det här. Så länge är det många som står vid din sida och hejar på dig.
Kram!
Oh, I know exactly the feeling you are talking about. It's like being on the bottom of the deepest darkest hole. I have also been struggling with this ever since my mum unexpectedly passed away. Then add: friendships that come to end, being bullied at work and missing someone very special in a country far away. It's not easy- some days good, some days are bad and some days are just a little bit better. I know what it is like to not be happy, but I am most definitely in the pursuit of it again and I am taking steps towards that. Like walking away from old rust friendships, focusing on things that I enjoy and trying to make a real change in my life in terms of job and my living situation...
ReplyDeleteI hope that you will find your way through to happiness. It's hard, but you deserve it!
This post was incredibly honest and brave and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. I think so many readers can relate to what you are feeling. It's hard to admit there is a problem, but finding a solution will feel so much better. Don't ever feel bad or ashamed for what you are feeling, and know that you are not alone. All the best and big hugs from Lund!
ReplyDeleteI've come to terms with the fact that its there and its a part of me. I wasn't born with a melancholy disposition but got it as I started school due to a couple of factors and everything went downhill from there. I still have yet to see a doctor or councillor and I know one day I will have to. But no life is perfect and I know what you mean about not being able to get up in the morning at times. I do envy you on the way that your boyfriend knows you to that extent whearas my family just think I'm a moody bitch really. But once you get it, it'll always be there. You just have to find a way to deal with it
ReplyDeleteI think it is very brave, too to share your feelings so openly. And I understand where you are coming from, in these days with all that communication/internet and so many opportunities we have now..we can get lost and feel empty and anxious even afraid and very vurnable.. the best thing is to remind us of the little things we have and the loving family, friends or other people who support us and love us the way we are.. don't keep others bringing you down and try to be free and keep your mind free .. and do the things that make you happy at your pace and time!
ReplyDeletealway there to talk if you feel like it, although we haven't never met, yet lovely! but perhaps someday! big hug! xoxo
I think it's so great - and brave, that you posted this. I mean, I know you don't have a perfect life (nobody does) and I since I've been following you for a long time, I've read about everything that has happen. But, it is so easy to think that everyone else has the perfect life, especially when it comes to the blogsphere. I can't stand to read blogs that posts nothing but the good days, the beautiful pictures and the great travels. I want to feel that there is a human being behind there somewhere. I remember you got some criticism from "bloggkommentatorerna" (I think it was them, it was a long time ago now) that you didn't inspire young girls cause you wrote about the bad stuff. I got so mad. You "defended" yourself in a way that made me respect you even more, and I agree with you. I don't get inspired by perfect lifes, I get inspired by humans. Who struggle just like me. Posting this, I respect and admire you even more than before, and your blog just reached a whole other level. Cause life's sucks. It really does. Sometimes. You described it so well, that it feels like the bad days are the true days. I have a really good life as well - on the outside. And I can feel happiness, be excited, have good days. But I always, always, fall back to the dark hole where I've been crawling for the past ten years. I'm so sick of myself. I've been in and out of diffrent kinds of theray for ten years, been on medication and I feel like I've tried everything. And it doesn't get better. Well, some of it does, but not of all of it. I'm not where I wanna be. I'm not where I feel I should be. Not after this long. So, (I don't know if this is very inspiring, sorry) I've decided to try once again. Cause I have to. There is no other way. I'll be starting therapy yet again this fall, and maybe finally take myself seriously and search for all the answers I need. I have a really hard time asking for help, but I've come to a point, I guess, where there are no other options. I sincerely hope you do the same for yourself, get all the help you can. I think you're so so awesome. Xoxo/Lisa
ReplyDeleteNo, no. I can't accept this. There's no need to say that what you did was brave. It wouldn't help anyways. I do love you. I'm reading this blog from the very beggining of it and I did cry with your loss, I did get extremely sad. To say that I have experienced the same thing, even if I'm 15, wouldn't help at all, would it? The point is that YOU ARE STRONG. Life has its ups and downs. It does. But you have to keep going. You hear me? You just have to keep going and doing everything you did before Fanny's death happened. I lost a friend last summer in a fucking car accident and another friend of mine made a suicidal attemp a few days ago. I'm fucked up. Everyone I know of is fucked up. But we keep laughing and hoping. EVERYTHING IS IN YOUR MIND. In your mind. See the fucking positive side of life. Because no matter how sad you may feel at times, life is the best. Life is the most gorgeous thing, the most gorgeous gift. Stop complicating it. Come in terms with what has happened and be a realist. I know that I shouldn't probabaly talk to you like that. I'm not the one to give advice to a grown up, while I'm still underage. I know this. But when I read this, I realised that of course you're not happy (I knew that. How could you be happy?), but also that you're quitting. And it pissed me off. When my friend tried to kil herself, I was so pissed off that I didn't know what to do. And I feel the same way now. Stop acting like that and realise what has happened. You can't change this, you're not responsible for this, you couldn't have done anything. Anything. I'm extremely sad about your loss. I really honestly truly am. Especially because I have been there. But mourning and being sad just won't help anyone. If YOU are feeling like this, imagine how her mother feels. Last week, I saw my dead friend's mother and I won't exaggerate if I say I didn't even recognize her. She was 35 and now she looks like 95. It's depressing. You don't want this. It's all in your mind, I repeat. I'll always be there for you, even if I don't know you, even if you don't know me. I'll always be there.
ReplyDeleteD
Lots of love and happy thoughts coming your way!
ReplyDeleteSom flera andra skrivit, kanske måste man acceptera att miss D är en del av en? Och utifrån detta lära sig hur man ska göra för att undvika att falla ned i det svarta hålet igen... Jag lever också med depression, ibland är den nära ibland längre bort men jag medicinerar dagligen ochhar insett att jag kommer att göra det länge..
ReplyDeleteTricket för mig har varit att dels försöka lära mig vad som är lagom, att inte ta på mig för mycket och framförallt inte starta med många nya saker samtidigt eftersom det tar mycket energi (känner du igen dig? ;-)
Dessutom ha jag under mina sämre perioder som mål att göra tre saker varje dag; ett måste (kan vara så enkelt som att bädda sängen), nån form av motion (en riktigt dålig dag, en mycket, mycket kort promenad med hundarna som ju måste ut i vilket fall), samt något kreativt (kan vara allt från att ta ett foto, ställa ihop några saker till ett fint stilleben till stora projekt).
Lycka till!
You are so strong who manage to say this Annika!
ReplyDeleteDet gör så förtvivlat ont att veta att den vackraste, smartaste, modigaste, mest begåvade och inspirerande människan jag mött mår så dåligt.
ReplyDeleteKanske för att jag vet hur outhärdligt tungt det är att ta sig igenom en depression. Hur man varje sekund tvivlar på och undrar hur man ska orka. Hur benen ibland viker sig, hur man inte kan stå upp, hur fysisk smärtan kan vara. Att du går igenom det... jag känner mig så satans maktlös som inte kan göra något som lappar ihop allt på ett ögonblick.
Det enda jag själv kunde finna tillförsikt i sist jag gick in i en depression var att jag visste att jag klarat mig igenom det tidigare. Att hur mörkt och becksvart allt än var så tog jag mig ur det, och då borde det väl på något omöjligt sätt gå den här gången med. Hur jag stod ut första gången kan jag inte förstå, men på något sätt gjorde jag det uppenbarligen ändå. Jag vet att vi pratat om det förut, men jag tror det är allt man kan göra: återupprepa det som ett mantra tills ljuset äntligen tittar fram.
Och Ronnie har naturligtvis rätt. Du behöver inte klara av det här själv, älskling. Det finns professionell vårdpersonal som jobbar med det här, vars uppgift är att hjälpa.
Jag älskar dig, hjärtat. Och jag finns alltid, alltid här.
Hey Annika! I really understand what you're going through. My grandpa just passed away and I wasn't even thr to witness it...:(
ReplyDeleteBut you know one thing is true: maybe thr is a place they go,for they have to go somewhere. And they want us to stay strong and do what they wish for us! We have to live and know that they live in us. My grandpa wanted me to study super well and be a doc. And so that's what I'll do! And maybe he'll know somehow and he'll be happy.
They live in us you know? And talking really helps! After talking and crying and crying and crying, I suddenly found my answers. We can change if we want to. And we can still mourn and still be strong.
Love your blog in every way. And imperfect is perfect in practical life.:D
Xoxo
Annika - you are a human being, and that can sometimes be a difficult thing to be. I admire you for this post, and others, of course. I admire the honesty and the fashion sense (because, you've got style!) - I admire the whole person, because you appear to me to be a wonderful one.
ReplyDeleteWith that said - the thing I most admire about you, is the fact that you are getting help. Despite the fact that it makes you feel worse at first to admit it - getting help is the best thing you can do, because depression is something we can't fight on our own.
I really think you'll get through this - because you're taking the right steps to do so, and I just wish other people would seek treatment when they need it.
You deserve to live the best life you can - and if you need a little help to do that, then you need a little help.
I realize I don't know you, nor do I know what life is really like yet - but I do know that no one deserves to suffer, especially someone like you.
Annika. Först måste jag skriva det som måste skrivas: du är modig som skriver det, och det är bra att du gör det. Hoppas att det blir bättre snart! Jag gick i terapi i flera år och kan säga att nu känns det nästan bra, även fast jag har dagar som de du beskriver med. Vi är många med dig som förstår, det gör ont och det är skit, men det är värt det. Och så måste jag säga att du är vacker, för det är du. Det kändes ännu mer efter att du skrev det där, du är inte som andra bloggare eller så, det kändes mer äkta. Jag lägger allt hopp för dig, ta hand om dig!
ReplyDeleteDet gör så förtvivlat ont att veta att den vackraste, smartaste, modigaste, mest begåvade och inspirerande människan jag mött mår så dåligt.
ReplyDeleteKanske för att jag vet hur outhärdligt tungt det är att ta sig igenom en depression. Att man varje sekund tvivlar på och undra hur man ska klara av det. Hur benen ibland viker sig under en, hur man inte kan stå upp, hur fysisk smärtan kan vara. Att du går igenom det... jag känner mig så satans maktlös som inte ögonblickligen kan ställa allt till rätta eller hämta tillbaka Fanny.
Den enda tanken som gav mig minsta lilla tillförsikt senaste gången jag själv var deprimerad var att jag visste att jag överlevt det en gång tidigare. Att hur mörkt och becksvart det än varit kom ljuset ändå tillbaka. Och att det då, på något obegripligt sätt, måste gå den här gången med. Hur jag orkade första gången förstår jag fortfarande inte, men på något sätt gjorde jag ju uppenbarligen det. Vi har pratat om just det här förut, jag vet. Men man får upprepa det som ett mantra, om och om och om igen tills man blir friskare, gladare, starkare.
Och Ronnie har naturligtvis rätt. Ingen behöver fixa en sådan är sak på egen hand. Det finns utbildad, professionell vårdpersonal med uppgift att hjälpa. Man orkar inte själv, och det är inte heller meningen.
Jag älskar dig, hjärtat, och jag finns här alltid och oavsett.
You are truly an inspiration Annika! A real person more than just a blogger! I do not admit it to most of my acquaintances but I am also a doctor right now. I am sure a lot of young people are dealing with depression for different reasons, and until yesterday I thought I was alone. I thought that most people my age were doing good with their perfect lives. But here you are! so beautiful, with great shoes and also dealing with the issues I am dealing with a continent away. You are so strong for saying this to so many people all over the world, and I think you will overcome your obstacles and continue with your life, you have a great personality and you are honest to yourself and to others. My words to you are what my doctor told me: that I should take it one day at a time, because that is how time works! From Mexico City
ReplyDelete-Claudia
Thank you for being so open on the blog! You truly are an inspiration, beautiful inside and out because you are not afraid to share what is real. I have been to really dark places before, and sometimes I am too scared to share it, but having this ability to be open about things like this, it only makes us stronger.
ReplyDeletexoxo,
colormenana.blogspot.com
Oh Annika. I don't know what to say that hasn't already been expressed in the heartfelt comments here.
ReplyDeleteDepression sounds like such a vicious illness - something completely in the mind that feels overwhelmingly real and raw. I can't imagine the feelings. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't experienced depression can.
I think the nearest I have ever felt like that (in a much milder way) was in the months after surgery - but that was more a mixture of discontent, worry and malaise as the anaesthetic worked its way through my system. But what it did make me appreciate was the incredible beauty of life - even if it was something as simple as seeing white flowers from a train window.
I hope you get the help you so deserve, and I will echo what many have said in that you are such an extraordinary and brave person.
I really do look up to you - not only for your writing, but also for your complete honesty. We humans are a very messy bunch of beings. Why should role models be perfect? The average person won't lead a completely pain-free, mistake-free life. Maybe we should admire those who instead face the things they fear most, and live through traumatic events to crawl out the other side. Life is tough, but it is worth it.
I know you just posted again about the difference between depression and grief, but as we have talked about in email contact, I know (at least from second hand) how much loss can hurt like nothing else.
All my love, and I am always only an email away.
Hoppas det kommer gå uppåt för dig. Det måste det väl göra? Jag måste i alla fall tro på det. Så många gånger som jag trott att det ska bli bättre och så är jag där på botten av brunnen och försöker ta mig upp. Igen och igen. Vi kommer ta oss upp tillslut. Kram.
ReplyDeletei know exactly what you are talking about!
ReplyDeletebecause, i have depression, too!
it is really good, to read such honest words!
keep going on, one day you will find something or make an experience that will make you happy and you get your inner peace!!
i am sure!!!!
i wish you the best! and i love reading your blog!!
Annika, you're such a wonderful and strong person. I've been following your blog for awhile and it's probably my favourite. I love the fact that you're so honest with your readers and thank you for being so brave.
ReplyDeleteDepression is so different with different people but I guess we all have something in common that we all can relate to. I've been suffering from depression since the age of 11 and I still don't know how to handle it. I'm feeling at my worst now and I don't really know what is going to happen.
You deserve all the love and happiness in the world.
Love,
Sofia
You have every right to pick and choose what you share through your blog, and so I think it's very admirable of you to speak of such struggles on a public forum like this. I think the fact that you've put up a fight proves that your are strong, and I hope you never forget that.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Courtney
Ta hand om dig.
ReplyDeleteI have only commented on one other blog before (why I mention that I don't know) point is I don't do it often... but to read this and see I am not the only one falling back into old habits (yes I am soon 30 and I know that relapse is normal and bla bla.....) but I know the amount of courage it takes to go back and say - doc, I need the pills again and the look in the their faces. Or the look on my beloved husbands face when he strokes my head and agrees - yes you need to go back to your medication. FAILURE is what I feel - I know I shouldn't. Fluoxetine - the one that saved me, that keeps on saving... Outwards I am "perfect" - great job, well paid, loved, friend, married, "happy"... but inside - inside is all anxiety and musts... only my husband and my very best friend knows. I am not ashamed but I don't want to shout it out either. I know that if I tell people they'll just say "but you always seem so happy and you are so lucky with your great life!" and I will just want to scream - I know this and I don't know why the fuck I am feeling the way I do, I am trying here!!!! ARGH!! Anyway - I am rambling again - the point I am trying to make is: thank you for writing and telling - I don't know you, you don't know me but tonight you have made my life easier for a little while. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteÅh, underbara du, som är öppen om detta i din blogg, och för oss alla. Jag stannar inte här som läsare för dina vackra foton, utan för att du verkar vacker hela du. Älskade ex. ditt inlägg om mobbing, och det här, om depression, om det mörka hålet, är något jag verkligen relaterar till.
ReplyDeleteTa hand om dig, och fortsätt vara dig själv. Det tar för mycket energi att låtsas<3
You NEED to believe that :) you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and I must say that you are beautiful!! you have an amazing style and you have everything to be happy, hold on to it :)
http://behindcatiseyes.blogspot.com/
You're so brave :) I always admire you, your style, your beauty and your personality! You seem to be a very sweet girl!! I hope you find the light in the darkness, I must confess that I been struggling these couples of months, my life it hasn't been easy! But I'll keep trying my very best to be happy and fight for my dreams! I wish you all the best and hope you get better! Always remember everything is possible if we fight for that! :)
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
http://thefashiondreamcatcher.blogspot.com/
It is really brave of you to share such things in your life, and i adore you for doing it! As I see it on the blog you have a great personality and you are kind and loving to everything around you. Hope that you will be able to see how great a person you are, and how lucky you are to have perople who loves you around you. You are such a brave girl, I'm sure you have the gots, this time you will succeed in being happy! I really hope!
ReplyDeleteHope from Mie Dina
http://miedina.blogspot.com/
jag förstår dig verkligen, har mina dagar och perioder då allt är svart, de dagarna är det bara att koncentrera sig på att andas och göra de vardagliga sysslorna. du verkar stark, du är vacker och verkar göra något vettigt med ditt liv. en sak man kan göra är att ha en bok där man klistrar in bilder och skriver kommentarer om de bra dagarna o stunderna man har, då kan man när mörkret kommer ta fram den och veta att det faktiskt finns dagar då det inte känns på det sättet.
ReplyDeleteThere's a million things I'd like to say to you right now but still... I don't know where to start. I can relate to your situation in so many ways, and I think it's not only "brave" of you to share your feelings with us as many of my fellow readers said, I want you to realize of the fact that by doing so you are actually acknowledging the problem and taking control of the situation, and that my dear, already sets you one step forward.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to tell you to of course go see the doctor, and of course take the medecines if you're prescribed any, but most importantly keep on writting and giving your feelings a way out. Not here on your blog, but somewhere you can keep to yourself if you prefer, somewhere to set all your demons free not worrying how ugly they are. You really have a GIFT Annika, your writting skills are one of the (many!) jewels you have inside of you. I believe that if you focus this amazing ability you have to reach to the others through your words, to reach to yourself and your own feelings, you'll soon find the way out of this dark labyrinth you find yourself into.
Always remember Annika, YOU CAN DO THIS! I believe you do, as do the other 62 people who've commented on your post and whose hearts you've touched with your honesty.
Lots of love from Nina, Barcelona
Please, for your own sake, do read this book called 'the power of now' by Eckhart Tolle.
ReplyDeleteThat's all I have to say right now.
Take care, Annika.
Have you considered anti-depressants? or maybe you´re on them already? Just a thought... As a complement to therapy.
ReplyDeleteNeeding help is not failing, it's just being brave. Not many people can do it, so give yourself some credit for having been so brave in the past, and this time again. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you'll see.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the strength in the world. :)
Love,
Anika
Modigt att prata om det!Styrkekramar i massor!
ReplyDelete"Then I'm entirely convinced that the worst days are the true days." Aldrig hört någon beskriva det så bra. Mitt bästa tips ur behandlingssynpunkt är KBT. Acceptans är väldigt viktigt när man är en individ som har nära till jobbiga känslor (som jag). Att acceptera att jobbiga känslor är en del av ens liv, men att livet känns värt att leva ändå. OCH att man äter antidepressiva i minst ett par år när man är stabil. Inte on and off. Det hjälper mig och jag hoppas det kan hjälpa någon annan.
ReplyDeleteDu är en verklig inspirationskälla, jag gråter när jag läser många av dina texter, du skriver på ett sådant vackert sätt. Jag känner igen mig i mycket som du skriver, en otroligt nära vän till mig gick hastigt bort för snart 6 månader sedan. Jag önskar att jag kunde uttrycka mig lika duktigt som du gör med ord, det är otroligt det du gör. TACK till dig för att du delar med dig, det får mig att känna att jag är inte ensam.
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteAnnika,
ReplyDeleteBörjade läsa din blogg för några år sedan. Inte tittat in på ett tag, men nu fick du mig att skriva. Du ska veta att du är en sann källa till inspiration. Och med detta inlägg berör du så starkt med din nakenhet och sårbarhet.
Det berör mig så eftersom jag själv vet mycket väl vad depression vill säga. Har levt med närståendes depression och min egen i många år.
Som jag ser det nu så är depression precis som lyckan inget statiskt tillstånd, utan någonting som är i ständig rörelse och förändring. Som livet självt. Allt är dynamiskt, allt handlar om jämvikter. Att tro annat vore nästan lite som att förleda sig själv.
Och jag är glad att vi drar samma slutsats. Att det kommer både regniga och soliga dagar, men att de i slutändan alla är värda att leva.
Stor varm kram. //A.
Annika, I remember emailing you about my depression. Still, no one but you knows about my troubles. But, ever since you replied, my life has been so smooth. My grades have risen and life is much better. I thank you so much for that. You are truly a role model to me- a true personification of the ideal friend/ sister/ wife/ daughter etc: beauty, intelligence, and generosity. I love you annika and I hope you find happiness in the gloom of this world, just as I have tried to do. I hope you feel better. You are beautiful, just remember, "There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
ReplyDelete-Nina
Your words. My mouth. I think they must have met at some point.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm trying to say is that I live this feeling too, and maybe it can help you to know that I'm convinced that the good days are real too.
Åh, jag känner igen mig så mycket i det här inlägget. Jag beundrar din ärlighet. Jag är en ung tjej som lidit av depression i några år. Just nu är jag inte deprimerad utan mår bättre än på många många år.
ReplyDeleteDock känner jag igen det där med att man ser de dåliga dagarna som de "sanna" dagarna, de dagar då man ser världen för vad den verkligen är. Vem kan egentligen motbevisa det?
Jag har en destruktiv vana att gotta ner mig i texter av de klassiska Kirkegaard, Sartre och resten av gänget. Att livet är planlöst och att ingen allmängiltig mening finns är jag helt på det klara med. Hur kan man då se depression som en sjukdom? Man kanske bara just då har förmågan att se världen för vad den faktiskt är?
Haha, vet inte vad jag ville få sagt riktigt. Du är bra du i alla fall. Jag beundrar din ärlighet.