Monday, May 30, 2011

"And it's not like we can use a pickaxe to reshape you like a sculpture, haha!"

Flower print tank top, H&M. Bird print pencil skirt, Nümph. Cheetah print litas, Jeffrey Campbell. Flower print sunglasses, Monki.

You know what? I'm being brave right now. It might not seem like it to anyone else, but I am. Why? Because I'm wearing my insecurity-skirt.

I bought this skirt online maybe five years ago now - I thought the bird print was lovely and figured the sharp-set waist would look good on me. And it did. But I still never, ever wore it.

I suppose everyone has their "thing". That thing about yourself that you hate as a teenager, then slowly come to accept, learn to live with. Even though you might forever wish that particular part of you could be just a little bit different.

Well, for me, it's my hips. A winter night about a year and a half ago I wrote a story about how it all started, and I thought I'd try and translate parts of it for you. I know I suck at writing in English, but my plan is to get better and better and better with time!

It was a Wednesday. Along the sidewalks people where slipping and sliding on the slush and hard-packed ice, kind of like today, but on this particular Wednesday I was fifteen.

The agency office was located on a narrow back street and the walls were covered in photographs. The motives were all the same: girls in fancy hairstyles dressed in exotic haute couture clothing, or barely any clothes at all. The were all very beautiful and very thin.

The woman who smiled and shook my hand had asked me to stop by since I had potential. That's what she said. Then she fetched the measuring tape from a drawer and told me to undress. Her hands were cold.

When she had measured every single part of my body she said it again: that I had potential. There were only a few minor problems. My nose, for instance. My short legs. My weak jawline. My knobbly knees, my broad shoulders, my birthmarks. And, above all, my hips.

"A lot of this can be corrected", the woman with the measuring tape proclaimed, almost consolingly. "But I want to be honest with you right from the start: hips are very difficult. You can see yourself how the hip bones are sticking out here on the sides, so even if you manage to get rid of all this excess fat on your bottom, the hips will still be too wide. And it's not like we can use a pickaxe to reshape you like a sculpture, haha! That sure would be something!"

But I did have potential, so she figured I should give it a try. Lose about twenty pounds - "it's all about eating healthy and drinking lots of water" - and then come back. Because she could see something in me. With just a little bit of work, I might one day become one of the girls up on that wall.

You would have thought I'd get it by then. That whatever it was I was looking for, there was no way I would find it there, in a business that obviously didn't think I was good enough.

I ended up working as a model for seven years. How did that even happen? It can't be that the next agency that approached me gave me a glass of milk and some chocolate chip cookies and was kind enough not to bring up the idea of using a pickaxe on my hip bones. It just can't. 

Sure, I was flattered, I wanted to be adored and admired as much as the next teenage girl. But I can't seriously have imagined that seeing my photo in a magazine, with a fancy hairstyle and dressed in haute couture, would have made me feel beautiful. I must have known better.

Sometimes I think I was actually looking to be humiliated. That the confirmation I needed had nothing to do with feeling beautiful, but the exact opposite. Proof that I didn't measure up. The relief in hearing somebody else say it.

It was a Wednesday. I know that because I remember skipping my piano lesson.

I got dressed and said thank you, for what I don't know. Then I went out into the darkness. I remember shaking. But then again, it was a cold winter that year.

(Published in Sofis mode #8 2010)


So there you go. Before that day, I had never even considered my hips. I mean, they were just sort of... there. But from that moment on, I despised my hips, I hated every goddamn inch that just wouldn't come off no matter how much I exercised or how little I ate. I started wearing clothes that would accentuate my waist and then hide all the stupid wideness below, and when I did start modeling a while later, I was always certain that the moment anyone realized how wide my hips actually were, they would kick me out head first.

Sure, all of this was a long time ago. Today I can handle my hips, I even kind of like them. But I still remember how I tried on this skirt, looked in the mirror and immediately started thinking about that pickaxe. I wanted so bad to be a marble sculpture at that moment. Just reshape my body the way it was supposed to look.

Therefor, I'm being brave right now. I found the skirt in a box full of old clothes and I decided that today is the day that I throw that imaginary pick-axe away. Because I love my life, I love my body and I'm not going to let some bitter, unfulfilled middle aged woman with a sick body image decide what I wear anymore.

If I want to wear a pencil skirt with birds on it, I will. Even if it lets the world see that yes, I am a woman and yes, I do have hips. So sue me.





48 comments:

  1. "I know I suck at writing in English"

    You have great voice in your writing and it sounds like it was written by anyone who grew up in the USA. (Actually, the writing quality is a lot better than how some of my friends write and they only know English).

    -A guy from the USA.

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  2. That's very, very, very, very, very sweet of you. Thank you so much! This really pushes me to try and improve my writing a lot more!

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  3. I know how you feel about your hips. I have the same problem with mine as well. Mine are round and I have a terrible time wearing anything that is super tight around my bottom. Whenever I wear a tight skirt, I am super self conscious.

    But thank you so very much for sharing! This helps remind me that other people share the same insecurities that I have. =)

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  4. Your blog is AMAZING! You are SO SO SO gorgeous, your photos are stunningly beautiful, and you write incredibly well, even for someone's who's first language is English! What a talent you are! And this is such a lovely, heart-wrenching, honest post. There isn't a human being in the world that doesn't have insecurities, but it's always so comforting to hear people open up about them. Especially someone as beautiful as you.

    I'm following!

    xo
    ZK
    www.glitter-and-ink.blogspot.com

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  5. You write wonderfully in English! Every post is so beautifully written. I totally agree with the Anonymous commenter.

    This story was so honest, wonderful, yet heart-wrenching. Modeling has been something I've looked into and been interested in, especially when I was about 10, and looking back I'm so glad my parents didn't encourage me in it. The industry would've eaten my little naive, vulnerable self up. Thanks so much for sharing this. ♥

    xo
    Maria Elyse
    First Impressions
    Flying Ships Vintage

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  6. Girl, you have such a flattering figure, and I think any girl would kill to have your gorgeous hips. I love how you are confident in how naturally beautifully you are; you definitely have the right to flaunt your beauty here and there! I also used to put up my hair like that, it makes me nostalgic!

    www.TheFancyTeacup.com
    much love.

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  7. awesome heels!! lovce the color :D

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  8. Thank you for being so honest and, oh, I don't even know - amazing - on your blog! I can relate to hip insecurities, as I have a relatively small waist and then wide hips below. It's hard sometimes, as a teenage girl, to not let each and every insecurity get to me, but I think having a fashion blog has helped that. Needing to project confidence in my photos and writing allows me to practice feeling confident in front of the camera, and transfer that confidence into real life situations. Usually.

    Sometimes I wish I did have a pickaxe, though.

    Thank you so much for sharing your stories and insecurities with us - as well as your fantastic writing.

    ~Shayli
    http://whatthemirrorsaw.blogspot.com/

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  9. you're the most talented girl I've ever seen - you are beautiful and so intelligent.. I have to say "wow" <3 I'm your big fan!

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  10. The modelling industry promotes such a ridiculous body image for women, which is bad enough, but that then serves to make the 95% of women who don't fit into that ideal feel awful about their bodies.

    It fuels an unhealthy body image, and makes girls and women feel like they have to conform to that image to be attractive. But the truth of it is, we are all gorgeous!

    And for the record, you have tiny hips anyway!

    Beth xo

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  11. I can't believe anyone could criticize anything about your hips, I think they are a pretty beautiful part of your body. But I do know much such insecurities can drag one down :(

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  12. I can relate to the hip prob! And my arms are my "thing". I hate having bare arms most of the time but I'm totally working on it! Hooray for overcoming insecurity clothes!
    How fascinating that you modeled for a bit! Every teenage girl fantasizes about that. Thanks for sharing your experience, I would love to hear more!

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  13. you look like a model. your hair looks so pretty like that and i love your top!

    <3 steffy
    Steffys Pros and Cons

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  14. How awful for someone to say that to someone as beautiful as yourself. That whole industry makes me kind of sick. Everyone striving for some unattainable fantasy or ideal. Saddest part is when those girls actually reach their goal of perfection they still feel completely horrid on the inside. Makes me sad. Oh well, can't say I'm not subject to insecurity about my looks either.

    Anyway, you rock the sh*t out of your insecurity skirt. :)

    xo Kristen

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  15. ooohhh, i love love love yout first picture. great hairdo. :)

    la tiquismiquis
    http://tqsm.blogspot.com

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  16. Honey,
    This post actually brought a tear to my eye, it's so beautiful! How could anyone ever say anything of the sort to a creature so innately perfect as yourself! This isnt sarcasm, you are so gorgeous. I can totally relate to the hips thing.. but you've made me give myself a shake.

    M xx

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  17. hi sweet girl, i was looking at your pics and the one where i saw your hips i felt so jealous ,i was like she has the perfect face and body, then felt embarrass that i was jealous of your figure,
    anyway honey, your figure is amazing and soo sexy it was what i hope for when i was growing up .
    i read your post i was shock by what that woman said she is wrong your body is perfect and so is your face.

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  18. you. are. adorable. thats it. its official...i'm in love with you :P
    well if YOU have image issues, then i should go and shoot myself.. hahhaha...
    anyway... this is one little fine story and thanks for sharing.. and for the record you look STUNNING in this skirt :)
    hugs from athens, greece
    christina

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  19. Your legs and hips are amazingly beautiful! REALLY. That skirt looks awesome on you...wish I could have long legs like yours, missy!
    But hey, can I borrow your legs some day? ;-p

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  20. Thank you for sharing such an inspiring story! It's wonderful that you were able to overcome your insecurities. I'm glad you were finally able to wear your skirt out because it's adorable :)

    -Courtney

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  21. wow u really opened up....u have an amazing body n im glad u wore that skirt. pay me a visit xoxo

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  22. oh my god ur so pretty and tall :(

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  23. your gorgeous, but u don't need me to tell u that, or confirm it, cause what i think doesn't really matter. that was very brave. not just because u wore the skirt. u shared story of vulnerability, with the world. a story that most females can relate to, in some form or another. since we're taught to feel like we are never good enough. that way we will buy more whatever, to correct the problem. your writing in english is fantastic.

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  24. This is definitely an inspiring one! ;)

    I love your sunnies and envy your never ending legs :)

    Stay gorgeous!

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  25. You are great in writing in English!
    Post like these remind me why I love reading your blog. They make me feel happy for some strange reason. It reminds me that everyone has/had their own insecurities.
    You always seem so confident, but humble in your posts and it makes me love reading your blog :)

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  26. And also, your hips look fine! You are an undoubtably gorgeous girl :)

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  27. I have the same thing with my hips, even though im skinny my hip bones stick out very widely compared to my waist - It used be something I was self conscious about but like you I have grown to like them!!
    You look gorgeous and your figure is wonderful :)
    x

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  28. Ahhh I had that too +remember a couple of roommates who got measured every week -one girl every day even!! 'The evil hip measurement' that actually ends up meaning nothing! The agencies fret about it, but once you're working they leave you alone. I love curvy hips, so hope if I ever become a good designer that I can push the wheel to the curvy side!

    You might like this site, some very down to earth photographers started the project in Athens. http://im-perfection.com/ xxx

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  29. You are such an inspiration, Annika <3

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  30. I do think your writing is utterly incredible - and this post especially. Although my brief experience of modelling only lasted for about two years, my decision to stop was precipitated by a more unusual shape - my scoliosis (a twisted spine). However, like you, I have found that it's much better to accept your body type (which in your case is gorgeous!) - and not bend to someone else's rigid idea of beauty. That's hard in modelling though, where anyone with slightly larger hips, waist or bust will stand out. I think maybe it's time the industry stopped celebrating uniformity of body shape, and instead promoted a wider range of aesthetic ideals. Oh & I'm not surprised to hear that you've modelled, even if it is a strange and narrow industry.
    The black and white shots look particularly wonderful here.

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  31. are you crazy?! first off, you write beautifully, and second, you are GORGEOUS! you have an amazing figure - this was such a wonderful post, though - you have absolutely nothing to hide!

    your blog is just lovely!

    -j, your newest follower :)
    sorelle in style

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  32. THANK YOU SO MUCH for the wonderful comments, I can't even begin to explain how much they mean to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We can't make eachothers' insecurities disappear, but the least we can do is talk about them, share our stories and make sure everyone knows that they're so not alone.

    Tons of love to you all. <3

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  33. a. in reading your blog, I've never once thought that you didn't write well in English. your writing always flows so perfectly.

    b. your shades are fantastic.

    c. thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing about your past issues with your body image. you are so lovely, and I can't believe anyone would say such a thing about your hips. I think you have such a cute figure. :)

    xo kelseylee of peachy dreams.

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  34. wide hips are sexy and they're feminine. i hate how pretty girls are treated just because they have shape! be proud of who you've become after all this and you are so beautiful i'm very jealous!

    pandaphilia fashion

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  35. I am so happy there is someone else out there with the same insecurity about their hips! Trust me, your hips are not wide compared to mine!
    Like, I have a tiny waist (that is what people say) and wide hips. Maybe my hips are not really wide per se but the whole "thing" is that the difference between my waist and my hips is very important. Anyways, you look beautyful, you have a wonderful figure and your hips are perfect so don't feel bad about that!

    Kisses.
    Meelena
    www.theserialshopper.blogspot.com

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  36. that women is so wrong. how i would love to have hips like yours, you look beautiful :)

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  37. I've read only one other post, and I was surprised to learn English is not your first language. This is amazing writing, and so honest! I am in awe of your talent, and you are a stunning woman, so I'm wondering what the hell that woman was looking at! Lol.. DEFINITELY a fan! <3

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  38. mate. you have perfect hips.perfect. that lady was a freak...
    if the morbid pickaxe comment didn't give it away, the whole "lose 20 pounds little girl" thing should have.
    and we wonder why children are so messed up. are we creating really creating 'models'? the human ideal? seriously? or sad, shy, self-hating, self-criticizing, body-concious little girls? they may look beautiful but they aren't given the chance to see it.
    Beautiful is Beautiful. not 'potentially' beautiful, it just IS beautiful.
    Im sure you were just as beautiful when you were 15 and 20 pounds heavier. nobody should have told you otherwise.

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  39. Anonymous, that was a wonderful comment and you seem like the kind of person I'd vote for if you ran for president.

    All I wanted to add is that when that psycho woman asked me to drop 20, I was already a lot skinnier than I am today. Becoming a model I eventually did lose all that weight, and I didn't allow myself to gain it back (and then some) before I quit modeling in 2005.

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  40. Im pretty sure I'd lose the presidency election to you!! ahaha but thanks anyway sweet girl.
    I know what it feels like to have gained a little weight, lol. people used to always tell me i was too thin when i couldn't help it and absolutely HATED it, and now that i've gained my '(and then some)' i look through my closet and mourn my old friends- pretty pants and gorgeous skirts that don't fit me right anymore!!! waaaaahhhhhhh
    we have a similar body type- i'm all hips baby (and everyone just loves to reming me about it!), but still 'thin' if that makes sense...
    anyway, the point--if i can find it in this mess of a post--is that as humans, who seek to emulate perfection in every area of our lives, we are seldom satisfied or comfortable with ourselves.
    I know I don't look horrible, but yeah, sometimes i look at old photos and think, hey, she had it so easy, she could throw on any item of clothing without having to worry about her ass hanging out or whatever...'she was so beautiful'.
    wasn't she?
    HELL NO.
    I am beautiful.
    she was scared, she was ashamed, she was so young!
    I am beautiful. I am confident. I have grown and learnt, and strengthened. I am beautiful.
    I remind myself that I am ten times more beautiful than the shy girl in the picture, and then i put the photo away, and smile about how far i have come.
    you mate, are beautiful, and you will still be beautiful when you are fat because you're pregnant, and when you don't have time to put on any makeup because you are too busy chasing after your 5 babies, and when you are a pale and wrinkled old grandma with kiddies on your lap.
    Thank you for your posts!
    They remind us that we are beautiful!

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  41. p.s. you have inspired me to buy a lovely new pencil skirt in celebration of my tiny waist and huge child-bearing hips...not that i needed much inspiration to shop! xx

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  42. Definitely my most favotite post of yours!♥

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  43. Annika, you are beautiful inside and out. Loved your blog!! Terri

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  44. I just realized you would look great with short hair :)

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  45. Annika you have inspired me so much with this blogpost. The past few months I have been doing everything to get rid of my cursed ass. The curse that seems to run in my family. I have been exercising like crazy and eating super moderately. Your body shape is what I have been striving for all this time... but it is something unattainable. This post finally made me realize that no matter how skinny I may wish I were, everyone has their insecurities. I recently became obsessed with fashion, however I continued to believe that it would never be possible for me to wear the fashionable outfits that are in right now because of my huge ass. But then bloggers like yourself and others that have commented have made me realize that I can wear whatever the hell I want. SCREW THE INDUSTRY THAT MAKES ME FEEL BAD. I guess the best thing to do is to just move forward from here and continue to look for inspiration from people like you and from myself.

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  46. I just starting flicking through your blog, and one of the first things I noticed about you are your beautiful hips! I can't believe anyone wouldn't like them. They're so feminine, mine never expanded and I am forever wishing they had. Be proud :)

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  47. Wow....I feel the same way. Not about my hips, but other parts of my body. This gives me hope that one day I'll be able to accept myself too. Thank you <3

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