Fighting the Forbidden Thoughts.

First of all: I am completely overwhelmed by your support. It is simply unbelievable, and it means the world to me. It truly does. THANK YOU.

Today, eight days has passed since I found out that... that I'm sick. And I still know absolutely nothing about what's going to happen. My mom called the hospital this afternoon and was told that there will be at least another week, probably more, before the tests will start.

In other words, I'm waiting. And waiting.

I go for walks every day. I read Harry Potter. I eat, I sleep, I floss, I take my vitamins and pay my bills. I do everything I can to keep my head above the surface.

Waiting.

Trying to get through each day. Trying to keep it together. Trying not to give in to those dark, appalling, paralyzing thoughts. Trying, but not always succeeding.

I feel like the sky is falling and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet and I'm trying so, so hard to keep my balance, but I can't help thinking: why fight to keep steady if the world is coming to an end?

But I'm not allowed to think like that. Those are the Forbidden Thoughts. Because I need to stay positive, I need to be determined, confident that I can beat this.

And there they are again, those thoughts: When was I last positive, determined, confident? Am I supposed to suddenly start feeling more positive, determined, confident now that I've found out I have cancer? How?

Forbidden, Forbidden, Forbidden.


Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, go away.
Good thoughts, good thoughts, here to stay.

Thank you for believing in me. For being so unbelievably caring, supportive, understanding, loving. Thank you.
I really, really need it.

The C-Word.

"Bad things happen, all the time, sure. But they won't happen to me."

You know that feeling, right? I used to think like that, of course I did. Then my best friend found out that she had cancer, for the second time. And then she died. And I stopped thinking that bad things can't happen to me. When I lost her, I also lost that naive yet comforting feeling of being safe, sheltered, protected. It happened to Fanny, and it could happen to me.

Now it has.

On Monday morning, at 9:55, my phone rang. The call lasted for less than a minute. A nurse told me that they had gotten the test results back from the surgery I had two weeks ago, and asked me to come in right away. And not to come alone.

I knew. Obviously I knew. There was no other explanation.

Ronnie and I met up with my mom and step-dad at the hospital at two in the afternoon. Went up to the sixth floor. Were called into a tiny examination room.

"Well", said the doctor, "unfortunately we found cancer".

This was less than 50 hours ago. We still know very little about what's going to happen. All I do know is that I have cervical cancer and that I have a severely difficult time ahead of me. And that I'm scared out of my mind.

I'm not yet sure what I'm going to do with the blog. I have no idea how much I'll want to share about what's to come. But I knew straight away that I want you guys to be aware of what's going on. Partly because you have been a wonderful support to me so far, and I wouldn't want to deprive myself of that support in the future. I really think that would be stupid, since I now need it more than ever.

I'll be doing my best to stay strong, even though right now I have no idea how. I have to do everything I can to get through this. Because no matter how much I love and miss my best friend who's my angel in heaven, I'm hoping not to be reunited with her just yet. Maybe in sixty years or so.

Hopefully everything will work out great and I will be healthy and happy in no time. That's what I'll be praying for. I'd truly love it if you'd do the same.

PS. I'm sorry, but I probably won't be able to return comments or e-mail any time soon. There's simply too much going on. But of course I read every word and appreciate any kind of support endlessly. DS.

Kitty Cuddling.

Hey, look, I made a little something! A video for everyone who loves cats as much as I do. Starring Biianka and Baryshnik, a.k.a. my favorite fur-balls in the whole world. I'm hoping you'll watch it and go "aaaaaaaaw"!

Sun-drenched memories.

Sure, I might complain a lot about the summer heat, but seeing these photos, I'm ready to take it all back. I can't even being to explain how much I miss it! I miss the long days, the sensationally beautiful light, my summer wardrobe; I miss the green, the flowers, the bare legs. Hell, I even miss the bugs! (Nope, that was a lie.)

It's no wonder I can't take any pretty outfit photos anymore - I never get dressed in anything but sweatpants except when I go somewhere for the day, and when I come back, it's already pitch black outside. Not to mention that winter is starting to creep up on us, and the heavy coats and layers of thick woollen tights don't seem to translate that well onto photos. It's hard to imagine that I actually posted new outfits every day for months!

And also... I can't help thinking that I was happier back then. I know, intellectually, that things weren't better. But I don't think I was this sad, this low. Maybe I'm just fooling myself, I can't tell. All I know is that I would love to close my eyes, mutter a spell under my breath and be back in one of those sun-drenched photographs. Mosquito bites and all.

Movie night.

Taking some time off from the blog is probably good for me - I'm reading so much more, and watching way more movies when I don't sit at the computer all day - but I really do miss my, you know, "committed" blogging. Well, hopefully I'll feel better soon and have more energy to photograph outfits and write long posts! Until then, I'm making the most of all my free time. Tonight, I'm going to the movies with my boyfriend and my baby sis Amanda. I don't get out of the house much nowadays, so I'm thrilled to put on a pretty dress and actually go somewhere with the people I love! And I'll admit, I can't wait to stuff my face with the greasiest popcorn I can find...

Tiny, round and delicious.

I don't like to cook. Sure, I do it, and the food always (ok, usually) turn out good - but I don't enjoy it. It's sort of a vicious cycle; because I don't like doing it I can never bring myself to until I'm so hungry I can barely stand up, and then how could it be pleasurable? I wobble at the stove, trying to make the ingredients cook faaaaster by giving them the evil eye, and when it's finally done I wolf it down, barely tasting it.

Except when it comes to pancakes. I love making - and eating - pancakes, always have - especially these small Swedish ones called "plättar". You eat them with jam and a glass of milk and they're delicious. Luckily, my boyfriend loves them too, so he doesn't mind that they're pretty much all I cook! I guess they're techincally more of a dessert, since they're not exactly full of healthy nutrition and protein, but it's my favorite thing to have for lunch.

Do you guys like to cook, or do you have one dish that you consider your "specialty" and that you could eat at least once a week for the rest of your life? (Or maybe that's just me!)

What goes up, must come down.

Unlike his sister - no offense, Bii - Baryshnik is awesome at climbing trees, up as well as down. Or, usually he is. Yesterday, it seems like he left all his downward climbing skills in a drawer somewhere. He chased a squirrel up a tree - and then he was stuck.

My poor baby was squealing his most pityful "mommy help I'm gonna faaaall"-meeeeow over and over, giving me the most resentful look; I'm pretty sure it meant "you climb trees all the time for Biianka, what the hell are you doing just standing down there?!".

I thought to myself that a) Bii doesn't go off chasing squirrels, she climbs trees because the mean Sotis is after her and she's scared to death, b) she really doesn't know how to get down, and Baz sure does, c) I climbed up after her once - in complete darkness - because I was certain she was going to fall down and die, and afterwards I realized that I was extremely lucky not to fall down and break my neck myself, so I've promised my mom I'm not going to do that again. But of course I didn't tell Baz any of this, since he was genuinely scared and needed my support, not a lecture.

And eventually, after 30 minutes of hard thinking, he seemed to remember that he actually knows how to get down. So he did. I caught him in my arms and carried him inside where we did some serious mommy-baby-cuddling until he felt all safe and confident again. All's well that ends well.

Right - Baz also wanted me to tell you that the tree grows in a really deep ditch, so it is actually much taller that it looks. Which means that the whole thing was scarier than you might think. That's an important fact. Super important.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Trying to get the cats to come over and be adorable in front of the camera. Didn't work.

Knitted cardigan, Indiska. Grey and white knitted hat, Nelly. Mustard t-shirt, Monki. Dark blue jeans, Dr. Denim. Black biker boots, Scorett.

(Photos by me.)

Yesterday I needed to take a new byline photo for a magazine, so I dragged myself outside and got it over with. I figured that since I was out anyway, I could just as well snap some shot of this "outfit". I'm not sure it deserves to be called that - to me, an outfit indicates a certain process of thought. This is more like the clothes I put on, probably beacuse they were at the top of one of the many, many piles of clothing spread out around the house. Consciously or not, I felt pretty cute and cozy in all that knit.

Now I'm off to see my psychologist for the last time. I decided the kind of psychotherapy she practices isn't for me, at least not right now, and next week I'm going back to CBT instead. I'm really nervous that she'll be upset with me for quitting after only two months, or feel insulted that I don't think our sessions are helping me... But I realize I can't keep doing it just to keep her happy. Christ, I'm not that messed up!

On and on and on and on.

This is a fun video and a great song by an awesome artist. Oh, and I'm in it. So watch it if you want!

Update: Alright, I'm really sorry - something clearly went wrong with the upload. It should be all taken care of now.

Peace of Mind.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm taking some time off - not only from blogging, but from everything that has to do with computers or the internet. Instead, I'm reading all the books I've been longing to sink my teeth into, catching up on my sleep, spending time with Ronnie who is finally back home.


This is not a "blog break" of any kind; I'll still post here whenever I feel like it, but I'm not going to feel obliged to. Hopefully you'll give me a week or two of rest without forgetting about me completely - but then again, if you do, I promise I won't hold it against you! ;)

I don’t really see how things will improve if all you want is to stay loose.

Bright orange sheer blouse, "Lindy", Monki. Black coat with shoulder details, Romwe. Light grey knitted over knee socks, Asos. Black Everest boots, Jeffrey Campbell.

(Photos by me.)

I'm not feeling that great; haven't left the house since we got back from the hospital and yesterday I didn't even turn on the computer (seriously, that basically never happens!). But today I remembered these photos that I took a week ago and then never posted, of my gorgeous Romwe coat with "gold" buttons and shoulder details. Now at least you have an awesome coat to rest your eyes on until I'm back on track. ;)

Oh, and these shoes happen to be one of the pairs I would choose to keep if I had to get rid of all but five. Find out what other pairs would get to stay in my wardrobe, what I'd do if I won a crazy amount of money and what shoes are next on my wish list in this interview with YourNextShoes!