It’s been a year today and even the sky is weeping.
A year. The darkest 365 days of my life.
I went to see a movie a couple of weeks back, about a fourteen year old girl who loses her twin sister in an accident. In the ending scene, it’s been a year since her death, and everyone is smiling, laughing, remembering their sister/daughter/friend with joy. A pretty butterfly comes fluttering in through an open window, they all get excited, ”of course it’s her!”.
This is all like science fiction to me.
It doesn’t get easier. It gets harder, with every passing day. The pain is as excruciating today as it was 365 days ago, if not more so. Each day without her makes it all the more obvious that she’s not coming back.
You should have met this girl, you should have seen her light up a room, you should have met me back when I had a best friend that would be mine forever. I was so different then. Stronger, brighter, wonderfully naïve. I had the glow of someone who knew she’d won the friendship lottery and would never, ever have to be alone again.
Imagine having found that person, that one person, your person. Who gets you, who sees you for exactly who you are and who loves you endlessly because you are you and noone else.
Imagine looking forward at the rest of your life with such excitement, dreaming, wishing, making plans; safe in knowing that whatever happens, you will get through it together.
Then imagine losing it all.
Imagine spending eight months watching your one person fading away, getting weaker and more tired, but never giving up hope. Imagine holding her hand when she’s in so much pain she can barely breathe, telling her about all the amazing things you’re going to do together as soon as they’ve found a cure and she can finally leave that stupid hospital bed.
Imagine praying with all your might that you’re not wrong. Though knowing, deep down, that you are.
Imagine kissing her goodbye, telling her how much you love her and that you will see her soon, so very soon; imagine leaving her hospital room at 2 am a cool September night and then never talking to her again.
A part of me was relieved, that afternoon of September the 21st 2010, when Fanny’s older sister Lisa called me and told me it was all over.
A part of me thought is was all for the best. That she could finally rest now. We could all rest.
And then she would come back. Stronger, healthier, happier than ever.
I still can’t fathom that she didn’t. That she just kept on being dead.
We even buried her. She has a grave. The way dead people do.
And I’m supposed to move on.
My chest was torn open and my heart ripped out, my hopes and dreams and plans crushed and scattered on the ground, and I’m supposed to move on.
I wake up every morning knowing that she’s gone, and I’m supposed to move on.
I really should. Everyone wants me, needs me, to. Just live my life to the fullest and maybe now and then, when it’s her birthday or when a song comes on the radio that we both loved, I should wipe away a tear and say that wow, what we had was rare and magnificent and I’m grateful I got to experience such a beautiful friendship.
I really should. Because the people in my life all think it’s very sad that I lost my best friend and that it must suck for me, and they listen to me and comfort me the best they can and tell me to take one day at a time and that time heals all wounds, they tell me that once and twice and a hundred times but eventually it gets a bit old, nothing new and revolutionary happens really, it’s the same tears over the same girl who died of the same fucking cancer and isn’t it time for those wounds to heal soon, at least a little bit?
I know how boring it is that I don’t know how to move on. I know I’m supposed to think of Fanny with light and joy in my heart, I know I’m supposed to see a butterfly and think that it’s her and smile and feel like she’s with me, watching over me, and so on.
I’m so sorry that I can’t. I’m so sorry that I wake up, this morning just like every morning, stunned with pain. I’m sorry that when I see a butterfly all I think is that it’s a terribly sneaky insect, hiding behind its pretty wings so that noone will see what a creepy bug it actually is.
It’s been a year today and I’m supposed to move on. I’m so sorry I can’t. A part of me died with you and I’m afraid the ability to move on was located somewhere in that part.
You are too beautiful to get over.
Honestly. You should just come back. Maybe the reason I can’t move on is that I’m not supposed to. Because you weren’t finished. We weren’t done. Not even close.
I’ll be here, waiting.
Because what else is there?
Big hug from someone who doesn't know you, but is hoping dearly that you will find a way to live with the pain.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were the right words, the right sentence, the right paragraph that might bring her back and afford you some peace. The way you describe her makes her feel so real, and only intensifies my feelings of sorrow to hear how much pain her death has brought you. It is not fair. Never ever. Not for a second.
ReplyDeleteThis path of grief is yours and yours alone - no-one else can dictate how it will be.
All my love,
Rosalind
Sending you a big (though virtual) hug, I sincerely hope you'll find a way to live without having to go through all this pain each and every day. Losing someone so close, so real, it's just unfair.
ReplyDeleteA big virtual hug from Perth!
ReplyDeletex Aliya
Many hugs.
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteJag blir tårögd när jag läser, Annika.
ReplyDeleteFör det borde inte hända. Precis som du säger. Tjugofemåriga, spralliga, glada tjejer fulla med livslust ska inte få cancer och framförallt ska de inte dö .Och ändå gör de det. Det är så himlans, himlans hemskt och sorgligt.
Men du Annika - du är fantastisk. Även om du är ledsen, även om du inte är hel, även om du inte orkar för tillfället. Så är du fantastisk. Helt, helt fantastisk.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Can't find the words.
ReplyDeleteshe's dead annika. someday you will be dead too. but for now you're living on earth. you are not dead. you may hurt the people around you, the people who love you and who are not dead. it's as hard as it can be, and harder than i could ever imagine. but waiting won't make you feel better. it makes me very sad you're kind of giving up on you, giving up hope, giving up being happy.
ReplyDeleteStor kram.
ReplyDelete♥
Stor kram till dig.
ReplyDelete♥
Oh sweetie, my heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteNo one can understand pure grief unless they have been through it themselves - just as no one can tell you how long it will take to feel even a tiny bit better. All I can say is there is hope.
I don't think you ever truly move on, you just step to the side and walk a slightly different path - but you will always carry them with you. xx
Darling, I just found your blog...dont know anything about you but the beautiful text I just read...writen beautifully but sad..it made me sad...I just wish you will find a way living with the memory of her, even if it seems hard now..she would like to see you happy again, with other friends, from up there:)keep the good things about her you remember...we all have had people with cancer in our family, unfortunately...but we have the gift of still being here..for a reason..make her proud!!:) my best wishes from Greece :) xxx
ReplyDeleteAnnika, I found your blog today.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I stayed for like an hour or more, reading, looking at your amazing pictures. Along the way, I feel like I really got a glimpse of who you are and how you see the world. I think we have alot in common, I'm also a very open and spontanious person.
Although I cannot begin to fully comprehend what you must be going though right now, I understand how you feel.
I didn't comment on any of your post, but I read this one, you probably wrote it in the time that I was browsing though your blog, and I feel the need to take a few seconds to try to write a few words in the hope that you might gain some hope again.
What you and your friend have is a wonderfull thing. But you are wrong if you think that you cant experience something like that again.
You are still so very young, and you still have alot of time in the future. You will meet new people. Of course no-one can replace her, but she would have wanted you to move on, and try to be happy again.
You still have your cats and your husband..
You have no idea *cries* how lucky you are..
You are so beautiful, creative, talented, sweet, kind, loving, caring, compassionate, inspriring and inspirational, the list goes on.
You live in a beautiful house with a husband you love with cats. Surrounded by nature.
That sounds like a dream to me.
When I finally left my laptop I felt so miserable and sad about myself how I'm living this unfulfilling, uncreative, boring life.
I dont have a place of my own, I live in a student room which is decorated by only IKEA furniture, and I have a boyfriend who lives in this place where he prolly has to move out of. I should have started studying photography like 3 years ago, instead I'm planning on starting this year, and that means Im behind. I love cats and I wish I had one but I cant buy any kind of animal because I dont have a place good enough for it.
Ok Im rambling.
I guess all Im trying to say is, I envy you. Im not jealous, but I do envy you. And what I'm really trying to say is, I believe that everything happens for a reason.
What doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger.
The cancer killed her, but you will only become stronger. You will have to continue your life, and make the best out of it. Try to have comfort in the thought that her energy is still alive.
Her body might be gone, but her spirit and energy will carry on living. I dont believe people are able to become what they are in just one lifetime. It just isnt possible. We all carry stuff from our past lives, and we are living this one because we all have our own induvidual goal. Her goal isnt reached yet, neither is yours.
So please, stop waiting.. Concentrate on yourself now. It's for the best.
My words are a poor excuse for what I was trying to share with you. I'm not so good with them, as you are.
Everything is going to be okay, Annika.
Love, Zsuzsi
Sometimes the only truth i know is that life is painfully unfair and we can't do a shit about it.
ReplyDeleteBut this is to you: <3
Hope you can have a good day full of memories of her. The love you both share is still beautiful. And I say share and not 'shared'... cause it will never be old or about the past. We can feel it in your words and in the particular way her existence is still endless in your life. Lots of Love from Puerto Rico!!!! Muaaaaa
ReplyDeletehttp://yesicaisabel.blogspot.com
I know these words probably mean nothing, but I really am truly sorry. My friend lost her mum last year and I can't even begin to imagine losing someone so close to you, who almost feels like they are part of you. You are incredibly brave to write about it all on here, and I hope all these comments make you feel a little better, even if just for a second.
ReplyDeleteÅh det här måste vara bland en av de finaste, mest hjärtskärande texterna jag någonsin läst. Jag önskar jag kunde skriva något som att det kommer bli bättre eller att tiden läker alla sår men det känns så platt och värdelöst för vad kan man egentligen säga? Vad kan man egentligen göra när allt man älskat plötsligt försvinner? Jag tycker att det är fantastiskt att du fortsätter skriva, fortsätter leva och fortsätter KÄNNA trots den smärtan, för att skriva är att gräva sig in i sorgen och sätta ord på den. Du är sjukt stark Annika, någon dag kommer det gå bättre <3
ReplyDeleteThough I knew about your friend's death earlier, after reading THIS, my eyes are wet.
ReplyDeleteA year is a really short time and I know it very well. On 4th October it will be also a year from the day of my own personal tragedy. And people around me also tell me that I must finally get over and move on.
I can't find the proper words to uplift you, because I know that it doesn't help anymore. I can just say that I'm with you, likewise your loving family, boyfriend and friends. Live for them and live the way Fanny would like you to.
<3
ReplyDeleteive never experienced this but my heart gos all out for u..:'(
this post brought tears to my eyes.
Omg :O
ReplyDelete♥
my blog-follow me♥mfashionfreak
if only. beautifully said, with truth, & a heavy heart. wish the aching would lessen, the confusion of how, or why. how it doesn't seem to end, that hollow feeling. does it ever help to know, you're not alone? there are others who can relate, for they too have felt this pain, in their own way.
ReplyDeletehttp://honeybeelane.blogspot.com/
I have a friend who wants to kill herself, and don't know what to do. But if I lose her, I know I would feel the same way as you do for Fanny!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I feel like it is understandable that you can't move on and you shouldn't let anyone pressure you to do anything you don't feel ready to. I do hope that you will be able to move on soon though.
ReplyDeleteDet är så synd, egentligen, att man känner att förlusten är större för den som har förlorat något fantastiskt som man hade, än om man aldrig hade haft det där fantastiska i sitt liv.
ReplyDeleteDet borde vara tvärtom, att de som aldrig får ha något så underbart i sina liv över huvud taget faktiskt har en större förlust än vi som haft förmånen att ha något fantastiskt i våra liv en stund.
Jag menar alls inget negativt mot dig alltså, jag försöker också, men kan inte gå vidare. För mig är det två år sedan han dog, och det är outhärdligt att tänka på att det inte räcker med att han har varit borta i två år nu, han ska dessutom vara borta för all framtid...
Tänker på dig! <3
ReplyDeleteSTOR KRAM!
What can I say to make you feel better..nothing really. Maybe just for a moment, in knowing that a stranger truly cares for you.
ReplyDeleteI literally cried my heart out here. I read this in bed and tears just started falling uncontrollably (as I type this, tears are still falling down my face like a waterfall) and now my eyes are all puffy and my pillow is soaking wet. I know how hard it is to suffer from the grief of losing someone you love. It's been almost 3 years now since my dad passed away with cancer too and everynight I still cry myself to sleep. I'd give everything too just to bring him back and make things right and ok again. But Time lost can never really be brought back. All we have left to sulk into are regrets and bittersweet memories. We can just hope that they are indeed in a better place and are always watching over us. Just watching and waiting to be reunited with us too :'(
ReplyDeleteIbland finns det inte ord. Livet är orättvist Jag är ledsen att du förlorat henne. Jag hoppas att du kommer att hitta ett sätt att vara lycklig samtidigt som du vårdar det där såret i ditt hjärta som kanske aldrig riktigt läker. Du är inte ensam. Så många av oss lever med den saknaden som aldrig blir bättre utan snarare större för varje dag. Det gäller att vara lycklig ändå, för vad som fortfarande finns så länge det nu finns i ens liv. Stor kram <3
ReplyDelete♥♥
ReplyDeleteHow I wished there were words to say to make you feel better. How I wish I could be bright enough to brighten up your day. How I wish I could tell you that you put me in my place, again, by humbling me deeply with your words. I just got home after a fight with some sales assistant over what now seems like a stupid nothing.
ReplyDeleteNothing compared to the things that really matter in life - like life itself. I feel ashamed of myself and the energy I waste on the petty useless stuff instead of focussing on what really matters: being grateful for life.
I love my boyfriend of 8 years so much that I am terrified beyond my wits something might happen to him. I am not at all a clingy coward, but sometimes I wake up at night checking he is still breathing. True and deep and unconditional pure love for another human being is the most beautiful thing there is, but it entails endless sorrow and fear, and I am afraid this might be some cruel universal truth.
I simply cannot find words even remotely appropriate to give you consolation, I don't even dare to think myself competent. I simply hope from the bottom of my heart that one day you will be able to see that you don't need anyone else in order to feel complete.
Good luck to you, beloved Annika. Sköt om dig.
Och RIP, fina Fanny.
Sending all of my love to you.
ReplyDeleteWow. There are no words. I'm not gonna say that I understand you or that I know how it feels, because I don't.
ReplyDeleteI'm just gonna say that she was really lucky to have a friend like you, who still after a year miss her that much.
That's all i'm gonna say.
Take care my dear sweet girl... I know saying to take care is the last thing in the world you want to hear, but I say it with all my heart and soul. Your beautiful writing made me weep, and I pray for your sake and of course Fanny's, too <3
ReplyDeleteI know how that feels but quite frankly, I feel more for you and Fanny and for for me and my dad who died of cancer when I was 12. Because parents are supposed to die before their children, its the way of the world. But Fanny didn't fit the pattern and its always worse I think, to lose a friend your age so close that they feel like your sibling. They should always be there with you til the very end its not right for one to go way before the other. You never get over it, you just get on with it and thats no bad thing otherwise you would waste away too which is another waste of a good life. So you carry on mourning because you need to. Maybe one day your heart will feel a little lighter but perhaps that won't be for another 10 years. Everyone is irreplacable in someone's life and they should have a little space just for them when they bow out of life early. And explain to people that even if they don't understand, then they should leave you be to feel how you want to feel because its about how you deal with it, not about them telling you how to feel
ReplyDeleteAnnika, you are wonderful. And you will be fine, and not because you have moved on, but because you have the currage to admit that you haven't.
ReplyDeleteOh Annika, I have no words. I wish I could fly right over to Sweden and give you a bug hug and tell you it's all going to be ok. But it will never be ok. When someone's a part of you you can't ever just let them go - and this post has made me realise how truly devastated I would be if I lost my own best friend. I don't think I'd be able to carry on which is why admire you so much for trying - putting one foot in front of the other day after day as your life goes on. There is always hope, and I truly hope myself that you find a way of living with the pain. It isn't fair at all. It never is. But we're all wishing you the very best. Lots of love, Alexandra xxxx
ReplyDeleteOh, you dear girl. Stay strong. live in the moment. Take care. Have some tea. My thoughts are with you..
ReplyDeleteAnnah xx
girlandbird.blogspot.com
At times I feel the same way about my grandma who passed away...every person's pain and grief is different, though. But I understand. ♥ {hugs}
ReplyDeleteI don't want to say the cliche words like "time heals the wounds" or anything like that to you. But I care *so* much about you, even though we've never met in "real life". Really. And I know this isn't what you want to hear, but there truly is hope in death, loss, and those never-ending times of despair. I like to look at it like this...when a person "dies", it's not really death. Yes, their body dies, but who they really were, their soul, isn't gone. When my grandmother passed away, and at her funeral, I kept expecting her body lying there to just get up and start breathing again. But then I realized it...that body wasn't my grandma. My grandma was not a body that had a soul; my grandma was a soul and had a body. But her soul went sailing on a ship off to paradise until my soul can go there too. Like she's waiting with Jesus for me someday. That's my hope in the midst of grief, and I have to believe it, otherwise I'll never have joy in my life.
{a million hugs} ♥
xo
Maria Elyse
First Impressions
Flying Ships Vintage
Hej. Jag heter Sanna. Jag tror inte att du kommer att uppskatta min kommentar men jag skriver lite ändå. Jag förlorade min pappa för ungefär två år sen. Han var 56 år när han dog, i 6 år såg jag på medans han tynade bort. Han blev mindre och mindre, blekare och blekare och till slut mindes han inte mig eller min syster eller mamma. Han kunde inte knyta sina skor, inte gå på toa själv, hans blick var tom, han såg rakt igenom mig. Iallafall, det jag vill komma till är att du måste gå vidare. Alla ord jag säger till dig är upprepningar typ "hon skulle velat det" eller "det blir bättre med tiden" det är bara när du själv väljer att lyssna ordentligt på vad folk säger till dig som du kan göra det, alltså gå vidare. Det är ett val du gör. Du identifierar dig med "tjejen som förlorade sin bästa vän" på samma sätt som jag var "tjejen som förlorade sin pappa". Det går inte att stanna kvar där, du måste välja att leva och gå vidare. I slutändan orkar ingen med ledsamheten längre, det är sorgligt att säga det men lite sant. Jag hade kunnat babbla på ännu mer men jag känner mig lite klyschig så jag slutar här. Dessutom kan jag tänka mig att jag själv skulle bli lite sur av en sån här kommentar, antagligen tänka "vad vet hon om min sorg" men jag blev lite upprörd över inlägget. Det är okey att vara ledsen, men inte hela tiden. Vi har förresten träffats en gång, i Norrköping. Jaja, ha det fint!
ReplyDeleteHej Sanna.
ReplyDeleteSå fruktansvärt att höra om din pappa. Det låter som oerhört tuffa år för hela din familj.
Ja, jag identifierar mig definitivt som "tjejen som förlorade min bästa vän". Och ja, jag tar nog en aning illa upp av din kommentar. Eftersom det låter på dig som om det är ett aktivt val att inte lyckas gå vidare efter förlusten av min bästa vän. Precis som jag skriver är jag fullt medveten om att min sorg tär på mina nära och kära. Just därför skriver jag om mina känslor, just därför går jag i terapi - för att bearbeta sorgen och leta efter ett sätt att leva vidare.
Jag förstår inte riktigt vad det finns att bli "upprörd" över i mitt inlägg. Hur blir man upprörd över en annan människas försök att hantera förlusten av den person hon stått allra närmast? Nej, du har rätt, du vet inte mycket om min sorg, eftersom den är unik - precis som din är. Du har ditt sätt att hantera din sorg, jag har mitt. Ditt sätt är inte mer korrekt än mitt. Det märker jag att du vet. Ändå skriver du: "Det är okej att vara ledsen, men inte hela tiden." Varför inte? Och om vi utgår ifrån att du har rätt - vad tycker du att jag ska göra åt det? Jag kämpar mot depression och tyvärr är det inte bara att "rycka upp sig". Det är inte så att jag vill vakna varje morgon och känna att livet är meningslöst. Jag gör vad jag kan för att hitta tillbaka till något slags normalläge, men det är sannerligen lättare sagt än gjort. Och tyvärr tror jag att kommentarer som din gör mer skada än nytta, eftersom det skuldbelägger sorgen och uppmanar till ett omöjligt påskyndande av sorgeprocessen. Men jag hoppas att du menar väl på något sätt ändå, så tack för att du tog dig tid.
a big hug from Romania! ...I'm very very sorry for your loss...
ReplyDeletetake care!
Everyone who has commented on this post: Thank you so much for being here for me, for understanding and for showing your support. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, beautiful Annika. Stay strong and keep your hope alive. Noone can keep you from moving forward and living your life to the fullest but yourself. I know nothing will ever fill the whole the loss of her has left you with, but maybe you can find some peace in knowing that she is watching down over you, and that though she 'died'; as everyone must 'die'; she is not gone. Her soul and spirit will continue to thrive, and that's something worth living for.
ReplyDelete<3
x
there are no words that I can say to comfort you. I have never had a friend like that, let alone lost her. but I can say that this made me cry, and that you are stronger than I will ever be.
ReplyDeleteit has been 365 days since she was here, but it also marks 365 days closer to happiness. baby steps.
There are no words other than I'm sorry for your loss :( Sending you love xxx
ReplyDeleteA big hug from Umeå, for you in these dark times!
ReplyDeleteAnnika I`m just going to say that I truly am very sorry. I have been reading your blog for quite a while now and I can honestly say, Fanny must be very proud - you are a wonderful friend, and a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteYour sense of style, your creativity and your captivating way of writing, make you one of my most favorite bloggers. Also your posts about depression really struck a chord with me. Thank You. Thank You so much. xXx
I'm so sorry for you loss. It is always tragic when somebody dies at such a young age. I hope that, some day, you will be able to move on.
ReplyDeleteAs to how people could possibly find this post upsetting if I had to venture a guess, I think it's probably because you seem to have absolutely everything - you are surrounded by people who love you, you are immensely talented and have a career that really enables you to reach out and make a difference to a lot of young girls -yet, you're unable to enjoy it. So many people aren't loved half as much as you seem to be, have never had a friendship where they felt accepted and loved unconditionally for who they really are and don't feel anything like as fabulous as you are. I think some people probably wonder how on earth you dont wake up every morning of your life and feel like you've won the lottery. Which, of course, isn't your fault at all. But I think that's the answer.
Anyway, take care and sleep tight :)
This makes us all realize that life is too short. We shouldn't take life for granted, and we should appreciate and enjoy every moment of it! I believe it is important to be nice for the people around you!
ReplyDeleteLots of love and support xx
Många varma tankar till dig Annika! Sorg kan ta mycket lång tid, och även när man tror det är bättre, så kan man halka ner i en avgrund igen lång tid efter dödsfallet. Tiden läker inte alla sår. Det är en myt. Men tiden förändrar sorgen på något sätt, tycker jag. För mig är det 14 år sedan min pappa dog och 10 år sedan min mamma dog. Båda i cancer och de blev dryga 60 år. Det tog mig väldigt lång tid att komma tillbaka. Och nu har jag på grund av en ett antal omständigheter drabbats av sömnlöshet och ångest igen. Allt från tiden då det var värst kommer tillbaka och jag sörjer mina föräldrar igen och saknar dem obeskrivligt mycket. Jag hoppas du har någon utomstående att prata med kring din sorg. Det kan vara skönt att bara ösa ur sig saker för någon som är "oberoende" så att säga. Jag blir starkt berörd av din text, och tänkte väldigt likt dig ett år efter min mammas död. Det är tufft när alla tycker att man ska ha "gått vidare" fast man inte alls gjort det. En timme i taget Annika! Jag tror på dig och ditt liv. Kramar/Kicki
ReplyDeleteOh my Annika, now I'm crying. The only sensible thing I can say to you now is that you MUSTN'T say you're sorry for writing all this. You mustn't feel sorry because you still don't move on. A big, big hug...
ReplyDeleteFate is very grim, and to often the good ones die young. I wish I had something better to write or an answer for you, but I don't. I am not as wise as I wish to be, because then I would know what to tell you and others who mourn.
ReplyDeleteI know that this doesn't make sense and maybe I shouldn't write it at all, but the only thing I know is that all wisdom must start with sorrow, because only then you realize what there is to lose. Maybe that is a gift you are or will be capable to give to others within the future.
I hope I written this right, many tears and hugs.
Det har gått över två år sen jag förlorade en vän i en bilolycka. Hon skulle vara 23 år nu. Och man inte märker när det händer, men blir det faktiskt bättre. Fastän man tror att det är en lögn när folk försöker berätta det för en. Jag är säker på att du kommer känna så till slut du med. Massa kramar!
ReplyDeleteMy god, I have no words.. I have no idea what this must feel like for you, because I never went through something like this, but I truly mean what I am gonna say now. Fanny must have been blessed with a friend like you! And I really hope that you can find a way to live with this terrible loss! I think you can, and you must believe in that too, find strength in the love you still have and will always have for her! I wish you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I am praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteMany, many hugs! I've been through deaths, and I know how hard it is, really, I do. But what I've been doing is trusting God, and He has been such a comfort to me. I love you! And God does too!
xo,
Wendy
DON'T CRY BECAUSE IT ENDED, SMILE BECAUSE IT HAPPENED- THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.
ReplyDeleteI don´t know you... but I cried when I read this. I can´t imagine how it feels like to lose someone, because that has never happended to me. But still I cried...
ReplyDeleteI read your blog, I don´t know you in person, but I wish you will find a way to move on!
Jag förlorade en vän förra året. Nu var det 14 månader sedan. På årsdagen satt jag och några utav våra gemensamma vänner på en picknickfilt framför hans minneslund, en sten på marken. Jag kan inte ta till mig att min vän har blivit fysiskt reducerad till en sten, med hans namn inristat.
ReplyDeleteHans bortgång har ändrat mig, påverkat så mycket mer än jag törs visa. Jag försöker att inte skriva för mycket om honom i min blogg, försöker att inte älta i sorg för ofta. Jag vågar inte. Men inombords? Inte läkt. Stark.. Men inte läkt.
Saker kan kännas så meningslösa när en man bryr sig om försvinner och allting annat ändå fortsätter vara. Alla går vidare, och jag vet inte vad de bär inombords, men ibland vill jag skrika till dem för att de inte är mer ledsna. Vilket är absurt på sätt och vis, det är väl bara bra om de kan hantera det här på ett sätt så att de kan gå vidare och vara så hela som de bara kan inombords.
Jag väntar konstigt. Jag väntar på att träffa honom igen, väldigt ofta, för jag vet inte om att han är död de dagar jag mår bra. Så känns det. Försökte formulera min sorg förut.
"Jag bär på en önskan att bearbeta någonting, och det är inte bara är en återvändsgränd utan också en ofattbar rädsla för att släppa taget.
Ja. javisst, jag har sagt det så många gånger och jag har tänkt det tusen gånger om, men jag har inte accepterat att du är borta. Jag kan föreställa mig att tänka vi ses faktiskt aldrig mer och förstå det, inse det, och kanske har jag det i vissa stunder; förstått, men inte oftast.
Det är så mycket man kan lära sig att inte vara rädd för. Man går igenom livet som ett spel där man övervinner, växer, samlar små poäng och tävlar med sig själv och andra. Jag har lärt mig att bli så mycket mer än jag trodde för några år sedan, och framför ligger dagar som knyter åren samman, och i dessa ska jag fortsätta att utvecklas;
men jag vill inte
kan inte
orkar inte
vill inte
kan inte
förstå
acceptera
lära mig
att jag aldrig mer får träffa dig.
och det finns verkligen sanning i det att man måste gå vidare
och att ditt liv var ditt
men du gick in i mitt,
och du hamnade i den del som gör att en människa betyder någonting för en annan
jag hade suttit vid den där viken igen och igen för dig
men idag hade jag gjort det bara för att höra din röst och dina tankar
jag visste inte att de var en källa som inte kunde förnyas
jag visste inte
och nu sitter jag här och har hört allting om och om
men jag vet fortfarande inte
för att jag vill inte
och jag kan inte
och jag orkar inte förstå
att jag aldrig mer får träffa dig"
Jag beklagar verkligen sorgen Annika.
Det finns inget mer jag fruktar än döden. Jag går med dödsångest varje dag, för mina små barns skull, för min kille, min familj och mina vänner. Det faller sig väl så naturligt när man upplevt döden på nära håll, när min bästa väns bebis slutade andas en morgon. Det borde inte få vara så, att de här fina underbara människorna rycks ifrån oss. Smärtan och den för alltid bestående sorgen, det är så fruktansvärt. Jag tänker på dig och din Fanny idag.
ReplyDeleteMin mamma som var min bästa vän dog av en hjärtinfarkt utan förvarning för snart 6 år sedan. Hon var bara 48 och allt jag planerade att göra i mitt liv skulle jag göra med henne. Jag är fortfarande inte över det. Jag gråter fortfarande flera gånger i veckan och jag är en annan person nu. Men jag skrattar också, så där innerligt från hjärtat som jag trodde att jag aldrig skulle göra igen. Och jag lever mitt liv fullt ut nu, varje dag. Jag vill göra henne stolt och ta vara på min tid, hur kort eller lång den må vara. Den där insekten med vingar kommer en dag att börja se ut som en fjäril för dig med. Den ser bara annorlunda ut än alla andras. Många kramar <3
ReplyDeleteI sincerely wish you the best. I'm no one to talk about it but I'm sure that if you're happy, she'll be happy too. And that's what she wants, you to be happy and enjoy life. Best whishes. ♥
ReplyDeleteI swear I almost just cried while reading this in class. =(
ReplyDeleteThat was perfectly said. Someone really close to me died last year and sometimes I'm tired of trying to move on. It's hard when others don't see it the same way you do and I sincerely hope that you find the immense amount of comfort that you need.
ReplyDeleteYou and your friend are beautiful, by the way.
Thank you for your honest and beautiful words. You're so lucky to have had a friend like that. I'm really glad I didn't miss this post. It made me think of this song and I hope it moves you.
ReplyDeletelove, lexy
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-fz3m20WjQ
I lost someone 17 years ago when I was just eight years old. She was my aunt, and I loved her very dearly. I was very close to her and knew, young as I was, that I loved her more than anything in the world. We lost her after a long battle with Lupus. To this day I still mourn her death, and I am probably the only one who does. Most days it's bearable; some days I feel like my heart has been shattered into pathetic little pieces and can never be put back together again.
ReplyDelete"We even buried her. She has a grave. The way dead people do."
- This line just broke me down. Because that's the little bit of thing that makes everything so...real. And a million times more awful. Truth is, I don't know if I will ever get over her death. I probably won't.
I don't know how things will go for you, Annika. The grieving, the remembering, the getting over. Maybe like me, a part of you will just forever stay in a state of hopeless longing and grief. Wishing things were different. Wishing she was still here, because she made everything better. She made YOU better.
But I do know that you will be okay. You will continue living your life with the people you love - your family, Ronnie, your cats, your lovely blog readers - and be happy. And you will continue thinking of Fanny, maybe cry often, but you WILL be okay. Never fail to see the beauty of living - because it really is that. Beautiful.
Meanwhile, I send my love to you and hope that you find some comfort in my words. Because you are not alone. <3
You are such an inspiring person to me. Stay strong Annika! I am 14 years old and I just wanted to tell you how beautiful your blog is to me. I have probably read every single thing you posted on here. Every time I read something here, it just makes my day so much better. I can't even imagine what you are going through, but what I do know is that you are strong and you will make it through. Just remember that you are surrounded with people that love you.
ReplyDelete-Dimana <3
much, much love, annika. alla ord blir så små och platta, men jag ville bara säga att jag tänker på dig och fanny. värme, kramar.
ReplyDeleteGör ont att läsa.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my first year of college I lost my best friend in a sudden, horrific accident. She lived just long enough for me to say goodbye. Sometimes I hear her voice clearly, I see her wide smile. I think she is in the room with me, just over my shoulder or sitting beside me. I feel her, you know? So strongly I know she must be present. This comforts me a bit. But not much - she was so young, barely started in life. 21 is hardly finished, hardly a taste of the richness to come. I don't think it gets easier with time, but it does become muted, as if someone turns down the volume on the raw, wracking pain. Deep in the night I think of her, imagine her life as it could have been. I'm astonished that my friend died at the age my son is now. After 22 years, I miss her and would give almost anything for a moment with her again. Never stop watching for your friend, you will find she's all around you very close. Best to you.
ReplyDeleteDet gör ont att läsa om hur Fanny rycktes bort men också ont för att du känner skuld över att du fortfarande sörjer. Det har bara gått ett år. Allt hände ju nyss. Vad är det för supermänniskor som läker på så kort tid? Kämpar man redan med depression går sorgearbetet knappast fortare heller. Det ska inte gå snabbt. Man måste få sörja klart för att kunna bygga upp sin tillvaro igen. Även om man är vacker och har det bra ställt materiellt kan man gå sönder inuti när en viktig och bärande bit i ens liv plötsligt bara är borta. Fattar inte att det ska vara så förvånande.
ReplyDeleteLove the way you write your blog, its always nice to read it!
ReplyDeletehttp://ieva-thecraze.blogspot.com/
Heartbreaking story. If only it was just another story or a sad movie. But for you it is reality and I can't imagine losing a best friend. I can imagine though how it feels to lose someone that close, because I've been there.
ReplyDeleteI can't give you the right way to mourn or tell you when this dark period will be over. But I can tell you that you will move on and that you possibly already have. I know, it doesn't get nay easier, but you can give this a place in your life and enjoy the great things you did together. That is something so valuable, something to treasure. Though this does not make it easier, I can imagine. I hope you can find the strength to fulfill your dreams, just like you planned on doing when your best friend was still there with you. I am sure she would be so proud and I am also very sure that our loved ones aren't just gone, but are still here somewhere, where they support us and look after us. Maybe you know the feeling of having a sort of guard or feeling that someone is close.
I know you don't know me, but I wanted to say this and I hope you will be okay.