I'm writing this from my iPhone, and since I never tried to post from my cell before, I have no idea how it's going to look or if it's even going to work. But there's no way I can wait until I get home to my laptop.
I am simply blown away by your comments on my last post. I honestly didn't think I'd get one single comment. I figured it was too dark, too personal. That I would scare you away. There are no words to describe how immensely touched I am by the level of compassion and empathy you have showed me. From the bottom of my heart: thank you.
But there's one thing I need to clarify. My depression should not be confused with grief. The loss of my best friend certainly has not made things easier to handle, but it's not the reason. I don't know if there even is a reason behind the way I feel. All I know is that I have been in and out of therapy and on and off meds for twelve years, and that my problems started long before that. I am definitely not implying that people with no history of depression would have an easy time dealing with the death of a loved one, oh gosh no - I'm just saying that for me, personally, this depression goes way, way, way back. And that's also why I'm so scared - if I didn't manage to get well before anything this bad had happened to me, then how am I ever supposed to beat my inner demons now that I've lost the one person I could talk to about everything?
Anyway. It feels sensational to know I have readers - friends - with whom I can share things like these. Don't worry, this is not going to turn into a blog about depression. I don't feel any worse now than I did when I started this blog three months ago. But I'm truly relieved that I won't have to hide this part of myself from you anymore. Because I want to be able to be as honest and open as possible here, I don't want to feel the need to act like things are peachy when they're the exact opposite. From now on, I won't have to stop myself from posting on those really bad days. I have the choice of telling you what's going on instead of keeping it to myself. And that means so much to me. Because I can't stand being alone in all of this. I just can't.
Again, thank you. Your support means more to me than you'll ever know.
Love,
Annika
Hey Annika!
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog from more than a week, and very honestly, I can totally relate to you. I'm so deeply engrossed in your blog, that so much so I'm still not missing a day where I open your blog, even though I have my board examinations going on.
I'd like to get to know you even better! I think you should not refrain from posting what you really feel on your bad days.
We can help you feel better! :)
I think you're an amazing human-being, who's full of so much warmth and love.
It's great knowing you. <3
I support you and I hope you will be fine soon. Good luck
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to hide how you feel. We are here to help and support you, through both good times and bad times.
ReplyDeleteMånga kramar!
Since commenting last night, I had wondered if anyone else had left a comment, and I too was really surprised at the amount of responses! But you really deserve all of the support, Annika. You should never be afraid to talk about how you're feeling. I know I don't typically comment, but not out of disinterest, but mainly because I have what I call "internet ADD". But you have tons of readers who care, including me!
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better. ♥
i dont often comment on your beautiful blog and i only know this small part of you that you share online, but i think its really lovely how open and brave you are being about your personal hardships. i dont wish pain or suffering on anyone, but in one way it is reassuring that when you're going through a tough time that you're not so alone (im in a bit of a not-so-great place at the moment as well).
ReplyDeleteyou seem like such a sweet and good-hearted person, so stay strong, girl :)
Jag har börjat följa din blogg sedan några veckor, efter att ha snubblat över den av en slump och älskade vad jag läste och såg från första stund. Ditt sätt att skriva, dina bilder och DU är helt amazing! Alltihopa. Skönhet.
ReplyDeleteJag blev inte helt förvånad över det jag läste när jag trillade in i bloggen idag. En sådan otroligt kreativ förmåga måste ha fötts ur någonting. Du har liksom ett djup som lyser igenom på något sätt. Det både glädjer och smärtar mig att du lider av depression. Det smärtar mig för att jag vet hur det är, men det positiva i det som glädjer mig är att du vågar dela med dig! Jag har själv en blogg, som var väldigt välbesökt ett tag.. men jag kände samma som du, att jag bara visade upp en liten väl utvald del av mig själv, och jag kände mig som en hycklare. De som står mig allra närmast vet ju hur det är, men resten (de flesta) i min bekanskapskrets och på internet tror ju att jag lever det perfekta livet, så att säga... med verkligheten är att jag är gravt bipolär med tvångssyndrom till på köpet. Större delen av min tid går till konstiga ritualer, tankar, tvångshandlingar, ångest, depp... Medan jag andra stunder kan virvla runt i eufori och mani och älska hela världen. Det är ett evigt pendlande, och jag vågar bara visa upp mig för välden när pendeln slår åt det bra hållet. När jag trillar ner vill jag bara gömma mig, jag tror att alla ska försvinna från mig om jag berättar hur det är.... men, jag funderar ibland på att berätta. Att vara totalt öppen med det och inte göra någon grej av det. För jag tror det behövs, det behövs att folk ser hur det kan vara för att förståelsen för psykiska sjukdomar ska öka där ute i samhället. Det behövs för att det ska bli mer ok. För att vi ska slippa känna att vi måste gömma oss. Och det du gjorde med ditt inlägg här är så otroligt bra, just därför! Och ingen kommer älska dig mindre för det. Jag snarare beundrar dig än mer idag. Vilket ger mig själv styrka, för då kanske andra känner likadant om jag själv väljer att vara öppen med hur det är.
Kärlek, tacksamhet och styrkekramar till dig!
Och ett tips, testa b-vitaminer och magnesiumtillskott, om du inte gjort det. Och börja äta d-vitamintillskott nu i september och ända fram till april.
<3
Maybe, if we are very lucky, we manage to communally - all of us together - replace that one aspect Fanny took with her: to be the one person you can talk to about anything.
ReplyDeleteThat we, as readers, with our different backgrounds and visions and experiences and knowledge and skills and feelings and beings, can collectively be the one person to talk to.
Because we can take it, we want to be there for you, to put a mirror in your face reflecting all the good things about you and life in general and your life in particular.
And you should never ever forget:
It is always better to regret something you did do than to regret something you didn't do.
You never know where it might lead you, life itself is always worth living, ad´nd dark patches might be overcome. Maybe you will never be able to leave the Big D behind you, but instead learn to live with it, accept it as part of yourself. Maybe you are sometimes darker than others, so what? Do not let it pull you down. Life, people, character has so many facettes, none is like the other and only combined can they form an entity.
Please never refrain from sharing with us whatever you feel like. And if you do not post for a day or two, that's fine, because then we know that you just need to be quiet for a while. We all do. And knowing that behind all that strength and creativity and beauty and wit and humour you are just as fragile as every one of us, makes you only more lovable.
Hey love, you've been here for me when I'm so deep in my depression, and I just want you to know I'm here for you too. ♥ {hugs}
ReplyDeletexo
Maria
First Impressions
Flying Ships Vintage
I'm so glad that you have all your amazing readers and followers. Cause we are all here for you.
ReplyDeleteif you're not already following me, you could if you want to and i'll follow you back if i'm not already following you.
new post♥mfashionfreak
it kind of hurts me that you are hurt. i can't imagine your face crying. i totally hope you'll get the help that you need and that you'll never ever ever have to get through this alone. that you'll never be left alone at all. please always remember "this too shall pass" and there WILL be beautiful days in the future and there's a whole life waiting for you to be lived.. i don't know how you feel exactly but i can imagine..i had the worst time of my life one year ago..i really went through hell. there were weeks where i wasn't able to get out of bed for a second and i wanted nobody to be around. DON'T let that happen to you, promise me that you'll try! let people be around you, don't stop living. let people light up your dark. you also need to learn to be happy by yourself alone but please don't isolate yourself.
ReplyDeletei hope so much you'll be better soon and that winter will not bring you down. because somehow i am afraid of winter..
my laptop was broken, so now i have a new one :) that's the reason why i couldn't comment so much during the last few days.
i send all my loe to you, annika
xxxx nastassja
I hope you'll get better. I used to be in a depression too, with meds and everything. But now I see life differently. You can overcome your bad feelings
ReplyDeleteThis blog is a good way for you to think about something else. You can also post dark outfits when you feel bad :) it can be interesting
Courage !
xx
www.coralieslooks.com - FRENCH FASHION BLOG
Annika darling, I've followed your blog from the very beginning and I wanted you to know that every step of this blog's journey has been so amazing and we (your readers) will be there for you each and every step of the way. You are an amazing woman and hearing you be so honest and open is incredibly inspiring. You're in my thoughts and prayers my friend.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mariel
Du är så fin, på alla sätt och vis.
ReplyDeleteI once wrote a blog post or two mentioning the d-word and on one of them, I actually got a couple of positive responses. So that is enough to not stop writing about it. You should never hide it when it affects you so much and is part of your life and part of you. I find it easier to write than to talk about in real life so it makes sense to write about it, for me
ReplyDeleteI have depression too. I feel horrifyingly suicidal quite often, and have anxiety problems which mean lately I'm too scared to leave the house. :( I am getting help, but it's not the easiest thing to fix, is it?
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing your post. I feel like I can do all the things you do, now. I didn't think I'd be able to start a blog and keep it up, and also be depressed. But you are. You're going to school, too. I had to leave college because of being so unhappy, and am hopefully starting over soon, but I don't think I can do it. But you are. You're proving to me that someone who is depressed is able to live a life and be happy, sometimes.
So thank you. So much. Really, I can't state how much I appreciate that. I feel tearful right now writing this, haha. How silly.
I really hope things improve. You're wonderful and strong and I know things can get right again. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.
And also, if any other readers are reading this comment, thank you, too :) I've had nothing but criticism for my depression, so it's lovely to hear people can be supportive.
Thanks Annika. :)
- Alex
<3
Annika, do not hide your sadness. Maybe it (I mean the whole truth about you everyday life) doesn't concern us, we're not close friends. I'm just saying, that if you're in a bad mood or even, if you're depressed, do not pretend that you're happy, because pretending makes depression a lot more deeper and harder to get out of. I'm familiar with this part.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it sucks that I can't say any smart thing - although I really hope that all these loving comments help you realize, that there're lots and lots of people, who adore you, even only via the internet, and maybe this helps you get out of this "mess".
The tricky thing is you know, that people who seem to have (I could even say: supposed to have) a happy life and be envied by every single person, well lots of times they are more depressed than the others, who think that their life sucks compared to yours. So at first it can be really hard to understand why are you so unhappy while living with all these gifts (the boyfriend, cats, house, job, mountains of jeffrey campbells :D), but you know that. Sadly depression is a growing trend.
I'm just happy, that you're smart and aware of the good aspects of your life and I really hope that you're gonna get over this and you'll be able to enjoy all these wonderful things happening around you. From all of your heart, without pretending.
We love you Annika, and if you feel you have to rest, than do it. We won't leave you because a few days' blog-break.
Dear Annika. I guess life isn't easy, for anyone, ever. And I'm sorry to hear you are going through thhis (although not entirely surprised). But please, please, please know that things can get better. Even if they didn't before. Even if they don't this time. One day, perhaps they will. And that day is worth holding outfor I don't have a depression, but I do imagine that I know something of what you're going through. From the time I was 10 until I turned 15 I was sexually abused, and when I started to open up about what had happen I had much the same reaction you describe. I couldn't imagine anything getting better ever. I couldn't eat anything because I was convinced I would choke. Couldn't manage do the dishes, they just stood there for 3+ weeks. Every time I was near anything sharp I was afraid I would harm myself. Being out amongst people completely drained me and made me hyperventilate. How I got through school I have no idea, because I don't really remember anything from that time except crying into my tiny bowl of yoghurt because I was so afraid of choking that it took me 45 minutes to eat it. And I was convinced that I was and always would be a broken person. That life would always be like this. That it would never get better. But it did. Slowly. As in REALLY slowly. I still find it stressful to eat at times. I still feel broken sometimes. I sometimes feel fundamentally alienated from the rest of the world. That I will never be quite as worthy a person as everybody else. I still have trouble coping with the real world, with demands of living. I still wake up some mornings and feel I have gotten nowhere. But I have. Some days now I even feel happy. And every day may not be a good day but it's one step closer to a better life.
ReplyDeleteI used to have a best friend with a depression so I know that what I went through is not the same thing as a depression, but still. Please have hope.
All the best!
Hej Annika, jag har länge följt din förra blogg, och nu också denna. Uppriktighet mot människor man litar på tror jag är viktigt. Glöm inte att du aldrig är ensam!
ReplyDeleteJag har på senare tid också börjat må rätt dåligt på många olika sätt. Hoppas kunna hitta en väg som leder åt något håll, vilket spelar mindre roll. Du skriver underbart, tack för det du gör!
Annika, by admitting its there, you are creating a new beginning. you are more beautiful than you know.
ReplyDeleteAnnika,
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how inspiring you are. It's a gift you seem to have; to give people hope. It's what you've given me. I've dealt with depression for five tormenting years...but by reading your thoughts and your beautiful words, I feel the feather-light touch of hope. I wish you could understand how special you are; giving life back too people you don't even know. But please, just remember that you are loveable, you are loved, and you are worth it.
Hey Annika,
ReplyDeleteI've been checking in on your blog only every few days now that I'm trying not to be on the internet quite so much, and I just saw these posts. First of all it's odd that I see them now at this moment, because again as usual we're on the same wave length in a certain sense leading our parallel lives in Sweden and New York ;) I was sitting here crying for myself anyway (haha, self-pity is DISGUSTING, embarassing and I am trying not to indulge in it too long so don't judge me please) and it didn't make me feel better to hear you're feeling down (no, not at all), but I appreciated your honesty. That made me feel better that I'm not the only one struggling right now. It can feel that way sometimes...especially here in America where everyone is so freakin' "positive" all the time. So I always feel inspired to share when I read your blog. You have such clarity and honesty in your prose. I think that's what people respond to as much as your beauty. So what I wanted to share: I was depressed this spring, and I did go to see a doctor finally after being depressed for quite a while, my boyfriend's doctor actually, and HE FELL ASLEEP. The doctor not my boyfriend. It was our third session. He couldn't remember anything I'd told him and then he nodded off. It's so expensive and I have no insurance, so I thought TO HELL WITH IT. I was going to cure myself willy-nilly some other way. I started my blog and all my resolutions (if you remember those-- yoga, vegetarianism, cutting back on bad habits like smoking and shopping, new attitudes about making new friends), and they've helped a bit though there's more to it (and since I'm sitting here crying currently because I walked off a filmset today after getting called fat, the successes are perhaps mitigated by current circumstances and maybe new resolutions are needed.)Anyway I took an anti-depressant for a while, maybe a month, trying to remember which one? I had an immediate very positive reaction to it, which is rare because it usually takes people weeks to feel better. So for me I thought perhaps my depression was triggered by my lifestyle and poor choices rather than anything chemical. I also had a lot of side effects, so I chose not to continue taking them but to change my lifestyle. My boyfriend is bipolar and a very successful, very wonderful man, so drugs (the legal kind ;)) have been a perfect choice for him. They really changed his life. My mother's and my brother-in-law's as well, one for depression and one for anger and depression problems. It seems to really depend on the person. I know you will find the thing that will help you connect the joy you share with us with whatever's clouding out those rays of sunshine from your own heart...(yikes is that too cheesy? Sorry. Not in good form currently.) I just don't know what to do myself. I absolutely cannot take getting called fat any more. Thank you for your encouragement, but I don't know how I can keep a healthy body image when it feels like a constant attack is mounted on my (size 6 and athletic and happy) sense of self. I just cannot take it. I feel disgusting right now. And I know I'm not fat, but I can't help it. My friends are all out, and I have zero right to sit alone and feel sorry for myself...but I feel so terrible. Then I told you I failed my yoga anatomy exam, so I feel like a yoga failure...wah wah...haha poor me I know when I have a sweet boyfriend, kind friends and two lovely cats as well...I feel guilty for not appreciating all that more. Anyway I hope we will both figure it out, what changes to make in our lives. I think we both will! Thank you for sharing and I am one hundred percent confident you will find a way out of the depression-- if it's chemical or whatever it is. You're too amazing to be clouded over!
Much love,
Izzy
www.misadventuresofme.com
I get days like that sometimes, and I know that the person I'm fighting is myself. Sometimes I know what kind of help I need but I refuse to sit in the doctor's office and watch him watch me bawl my eyes out.
ReplyDeleteBut truly, when we try to fix it, we do get a little bit stronger each time. I believe it'll get better. I really hope it will. Stay strong girl <3
Karlek! <3 /Emma
ReplyDeleteYou should always keep in mind that you are loved !
ReplyDeleteI believe that this is the strongest fuel that can get you out of bed. Whenever I am down I head for my Memory Box ( a wooden little box where I keep all my precious souvenirs from life, from love letters to concert tickets) and I force myself to read or hold every single item that made myself sometime happy, very happy.
Lots of love,
Patricia
www.leathershock.blogspot.com
Som vanligt är det så mycket jag vill säga, men så fastnar det, kan inte formulera det så det kommer ut på rätt sätt. Så det här får räcka; All respekt till dig, för att du vågar dela med dig om verkligheten. Och för att du gör det rakryggat och vackert. Kämpa på! kramar
ReplyDeleteYou're such a beautiful person, Annika . I think it's so brave that you shared all of this, I have so much health stuff and I wish I had the courage to do the same.
ReplyDeleteIf it's not okay it's not the end
♥ lots of love.
Annika, jag brukar aldrig kommentera på bloggar,när jag väl vill göra det avstår jag ändå eftersom det så ofta finns någon som redan säger det jag tänkt säga. Men den här gången vill jag bara säga tack, tack för att du delar med dig, tack för att det hjälper mig.
ReplyDeleteJag har fullt förstående för bloggare som väljer att bara visa upp delar av sitt liv på internet - jag hade inte heller velat bli för personlig med tusentals anonyma läsare - men när man bara ser den perfekta fasaden, är det så lätt att själv känna sig värdelös eftersom man jämför sig själv med andra till förbannelse. Att veta hur du känner, att du trots det lyckas vara så kreativ, är en inspiration. Du blir mänsklig. Du ger mig hopp.
Hej,
ReplyDeleteTack för att du delade med dig av dina mörka sidor, det gör dig och din blogg ännu vackrare. Min sambo har återkommande depressioner, även jag själv har varit deprimerad och är just nu utbränd, så vi vet hur det är att kämpa. Jag finns här tillsammans med dina andra läsare som ett stöd och hejar på dig.
Många kramar
Lisa
lisaholmgren.blogspot.com
I have struggled with depression at numorous different occassions throughout my life, and it is so hard to go through. You just want so badly to be yourself & feel normal.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for what you are going through, but I am confident you can get through it!!
Props to you for being open and honest on your blog!
here's to being brave enough to be real.
ReplyDeletehttp://honeybeelane.blogspot.com/
Annika jag har inte läst det inlägget du pratar om, men jag tänker definitivt göra det. Senaste tiden har jag mått så dåligt så jag ibland trott att ett andetag till är omöjligt. Allt känns hopplöst och meningslöst. Jag tycker det är bra att du är öppen med det, för jag tror det är ett stort stöd för andra. kram.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest. Over the past months I've been feeling exactly what you described in the earlier post. My bf keeps telling me that I should go see someone about it but I haven't had the strength to do it. On the good days I try not to think about the bad ones and on the bad ones I'm too down to do something about it. Vicious circle...
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel like a bit of a fraud posting "happy pictures" but on the good days I do feel happy so it's not really a lie. I just wish there were more good days....
Dear Annika! I have never posted to you profile before (I just got my little blog started), but I read some post and I was just blown away by how easy and simple (at least so it seems to the reader)words come to you and how interesting your posts are. It's funny you remind me of Astrid Lindgren (maybe because she was also from Sweeden, or maybe because she had a character named Annika, or maybe because I have always loved her books as a child and still do). Anyway, yesterday I somehow got to read the post about depression. And I feel depressed a lot (though I don't believe I have the condition and what I feel is probably more of a sadness-type of thing). But to some odd coincidence I also got to read my own poem that I wrote some time that I even forgot of, but I think I was very depressed at that time. And so moved by your post and by all the comments to it, I felt like translating my poem to English and dedicating it to you (not to make you feel even worse but just to show you you're not alone and I hope you get better soon):
ReplyDeleteEmpty roads
Alien land
And my soul is
Full of sorrow
Loss and fears
And the pain
No joy
For me to borrow
I'd look back
So still, I can't scream
I can't run anywhere,
Nowhere
Only crows
Are hovering over me
Uselessly
Trying to scare me
And I tried to forget
And to get
From reality
Back to lights
But around me
There's only
Ennui
I need help
I need help
I can't hide!!!
Tack för att du delar med dig Annika! Dina ord betyder mycket.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. It's exactly why I don't like it when people ask questions like, "But you've always had such a NICE LIFE with great parents, living abroad, etc etc etc" I cannot explain why I feel the way I feel, but I never once believed it was the cause of anybody around me.
ReplyDelete