Driving straight into that brick wall.

The song that has meant the most to me. It literally saved my life when I was 18. And it made me realize what I wanted out of life: no lies, just love.

I can't remember how much I've told you about what's put me in this place where I'm at today, health-wise. If you're interested, here's a "short" summary:

I have suffered from depression and panic attacks for the past fifteen years of my life. I've also been very self destructive, my eating disorder being one of many examples of that, though I'm fairly certain my persistant depression has been the root of all evil. Everything else has simply been my way of coping, of distracting myself from getting to the bottom of my problems and actually dealing with them.

When I graduated from university as a journalist, in 2008, I really wanted to get my life together. More than that, I wanted to be someone. A success. I wanted to be that person people talk about and say "that girl, wow, she's really one to watch!". And you know what? It turned out I was really good at my job. Plus, there was a slot - right there! - just waiting to be filled by someone like me: A young woman, a talented writer (yes, I just called myself talented) who was extremely passionate about issues concerning young people, and who wasn't afraid to share her own experiences with anyone who'd listen. One great offer led to another, and then another, and then suddenly I was doing all of those things I had been dreaming about. All at once. Because who the hell was I to say no? To turn down offers others would do anything for? Na-ah. No was not a part of my vocabulary.


In the summer of 2009, I worked day and night. Quite literally. I worked for 20 hours a day and it still wasn't enough. I couldn't keep up. And so, I started getting sick. Severe pneumonia, gastritis, strange allergic reactions, migraines that just wouldn't go away. My body was shouting at the top of its inflamed lungs, begging me to slow down, and what did I do? I told it to shut the f**k up. I was on my way to reaching all of my goals, faster than I could ever have imagined! I was going to be someone! People said on the radio that I was the one to watch, that they expected great things of me!


Then it was Saturday morning, one of the last days of August 2009, and it had all come to an end. I woke up in a hospital bed and it was over. The day before, my body and brain had both decided to shut down, to steer the speeding train that was my life straight into a brick wall (okay, figuratively).


During the months that followed, I could not write one sentence without throwing up violently from the pain in my head. Quite a few times, I was certain my skull was actually splitting open. Still, I kept the two continuous writing assignments that meant the most to me: my columns in Sofis mode and my columns in Aftonbladet. More than once, I wrote these columns in the bathroom, throwing up every few minutes. I took me nearly six months of intense therapy to realize this situation wasn't working. I gave up the columns that were by far the hardest on me - those in Aftonbladet, Scandinavia's largest newspaper - and I left Stockholm for a completely different life, way out in the countryside. This was where I was supposed to change my perspectives on things. To find myself. To heal.

One month before Ronnie and I move into our new house. My best friend in the world, the one person I've been closer to than anyone or anything in my entire life, find out she's dying from cancer.

That happened.

She has been dead for one year and twenty-two days and I guess you could say my healing process was sort of thrown off track. I have no idea what my life would have been like right now if she had not gotten sick. Maybe I would still be struggling with recovering from my violent crash into that imaginary brick wall, maybe I would be the epitome of harmony and health.

We'll never find out. Because she's gone and the loss of her has changed me. I could write for hours about why her death is so impossible for me to handle, but there's a time for that and that time is not now. I will simply say that half of my heart belonged to her and I still haven't been able to figure out how to keep on living with only half a heart. And I'm a pretty freakin' long way away from harmony and health. But I'm trying. I'm trying with all my might and even though I feel like I keep taking two babysteps forward and giant leap back, I know I'm not. Every day is a day closer to the life I want to be living. And as long as I manage to stay alive, I know I will get there.

Because I have changed my perspective on things. I no longer wish to be somebody. I truly don't. All I wish is to be me, whoever that person might be, no matter if she's the one to watch or the girl in the corner noone pays any attention to. I have been that girl in the corner, and if I could go back in time and talk to her, I would tell her this:

"It's not all going to be fine. You know life is hard and fifteen years from now, it's still not going to be a walk in the park. But you are strong, you will survive, and more than that: you will be loved. You will find a girl who is the most fascinating, inspiring, beautiful, colorful person you could ever imagine, the kind of person who is lit up from the inside with a glow that chases away any darkness, and she will pick you to be her love, her best friend, her sister. Out of everyone in the world, she will pick you. You will choose eachother. No doubts, no holding back.

And then you will meet a man who's so talented, passionate and creative it blows your mind, a man who makes you feel like anything is possible - I know it sounds cheesy, but the first time you look into his eyes, you will see the future. His and yours. And you know what? He will also pick you. You will choose eachother.

From these two people, you will get more love than you ever thought possible. You will get to experience the kind of love that makes a person believe in God. You will love them with all of your heart, all of your soul, with everything that you are. And they will love because you are you and noone else. Because of everything you've been through that made you who you are. None of this, what you are forced to experience right now and what you will have to deal with in the future, is in vain.

Oh, and one more thing: Just remember that the love you share will never be lost. Even if you lose the person that is closest to you, the love you have for eachother will always be with you. Always. Love conquers death. Don't you ever forget that."

Yes. This is a short summary, believe it or not. It's a fraction, a fragment, a tiny glimpse of what has brought me where I am today.

Some of you have been asking how it's going with the university course in creative writing that I was supposed to take this fall. The answer is: I dropped out. Partly because it was a lot more basic than I had expected, and I just didn't see myself benefitting from it at all; partly because it turned out to require a lot more time and energy than I possess at this time in my life. I need to focus on what's important. On taking care of myself, on my baby steps towards the life I want. A couple of years ago, I would probably have finished the course anyway, since I couldn't stand thinking of myself as a quitter. Today, I couldn't care less. Health Comes First. It really is as simple as that.