Whenever I wake up with my heart beating too fast, feeling stressed out even in my sleep about all the things I need to get done in the days or weeks to come, I've learnt that the best way to relax is to... well, relax. Because all of this stress is only in my mind. It's nothing but a leftover from back when I was constantly on the verge of breaking down from all the pressure I put on myself, from double and triple and quadruple booking every minute until there was no chance in hell I could get everything done in time.
But that's all over. It's not my life anymore; my body took care of that for me. It forced me to hit the breaks, the only way it knew how, and more than two years later I'm still slowing down. There are things I need to get done in the next couple of days and weeks, sure, but we're talking a very reasonable amount. It just feels like it's too much, because my mind has come to associate the very thought of work with a feeling that screams "I can't do it I can't do it I just can't seriously I can't breathe help help help I'm going to die!". Noone can change this pattern but me. And since I'm lucky enough to be the boss of my own time, I also have to accept responsibility the way a boss would.
This morning, the responsible thing to do was take a few hours off. A few hours to think through my tasks for the following week, to slowly realize that it's all under control. And if I later find that it's not, then I'll skip things. I know now that nothing work-related, and I mean nothing, is worth risking my health or sanity for.
After a lazy breakfast, followed by soaking in a steaming hot bath, I feel more than ready to take on this day. But you know what I'm going to do first? I'm going to take a walk, listen to my favorite songs and enjoy the sun against my skin. Because I'm the only one who can make myself see the beauty that truly is all around.
"It's not a movie
No private screening
This method acting, well
I call that living"
No private screening
This method acting, well
I call that living"
Conor Oberst, my hero
Fantastic book you've got there
ReplyDeleteIf it comes to writing/words my personal heroes are Conor Oberst, too and... you! You, young lady, truly inspire me. I can relate to all those thoughts, fears and struggling you are able to put into words perfectly and it makes me happy to know someone in the woods of sweden thinks alike. Thanks for that 'n cheers <3
ReplyDeletehttp://justlikeariot.blogspot.com/
by the way, every picture that you take seriously looks like it came straight out of a magazine spread... gorgeous.
ReplyDeletemmm these look really relaxing! your bathroom seems like the place to be now that it's cold outside :)
ReplyDeleteLove the tub!
ReplyDeleteI love your bathroom!
ReplyDeleteThats a great book!! lovely tub!
ReplyDeletebeautiful! love it :)
ReplyDeletexx
natalieoffduty.blogspot.com
sweet))))
ReplyDeleteBath time is always my go-to for destressing, particularly if it involves Lush bath products! :)
ReplyDeletetotal truth & epiphany! which is precisely why yesterday, i took a nap.
ReplyDeletehttp://honeybeelane.blogspot.com/
Oh Annika, you inspire me so much. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. I wish I could just fast forward to that part of my life already. Today, I was at the verge of cutting myself again. This blog is one of the only things that makes me happy. I know you deal (Or dealt) with depression, and I feel that I can somehow really connect with you. I really wish I could just relax like you. And forget the world. But I can't. I feel so lonely at school, that the only thing that keeps me going is coming back home, and reading your blog. You're amazing, thank you.
ReplyDeletereally nice!
ReplyDeleteFirst I'll say your bathroom is magical :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that taking a break is a must in everybody's life but don't you get that guilty feeling when doing nothing that stops you from actually relaxing and only just wasting time :/
it's amazing!
ReplyDeletenew post♥mfashionfreak
Please follow me if you're not already. I'd love to get more followers! I'll follow you back.
Your blog is wonderful!
ReplyDeleteDearest Annika, how was your walk/day? It sounds like you've really taken care of yourself! :)
ReplyDeleteOh it could have been me too who screamed "I can't do it I can't do it I just can't seriously I can't breathe help help help I'm going to die!"... And I still do. Sometimes. Between too much work/just the right amount/no work.
Finding a rhythm and balance is so very difficult when it feels like I'm creativity and creativity is me, whether related to architecture or sculpture or art or writings or clothes or whatever the category may be. I take inspiration from everything and anything that tickles my fancy. I store it under my skin for love and perhaps a future pursuit. Looking at/feeling art becomes a way to mirror and understand myself (to quote O.Wilde - "It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors").
This week I've hit been extreme - overwhelmingly ambitious and energetic (symbiotically), and also bed bound and without hope on the contrary. For me, I hit these extremes because of two rather contradicting factors - 1. AMBITION, and 2. being scared of failure (not living up to this God darn ambition). I try to seize the entire path in one big jump rather than one little step at the time. And since I'm only a human being (!) what I'm trying to achieve is obviously impossible, resulting in very little/nothing. And nothing is more upsetting than when your passion becomes a barrier for embracing what you love so deeply, right?
Since you're also a little creative creature, do you find yourself having a similar relationship with the arts? Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by how much beautiful work there is in the world, and how much beauty we can actually achieve? I know it certainly makes me feel tiiiny at times, a little lost in a vast subject (architecture) to which I'm currently devoting much of my life/love.
I hope this didn't seem like a self-indulgent text about myself! You really do inspire me and I simply love the truthfulness and wisdom in your reflections, helping me also to reflect upon my own state of mind/existence. Thank you dearest!/emma
Åh, I know the feeling. Jag är ganska så stressad i mitt jobb nuförtiden, drömmer drömmar om möten som ska ske dagen efter och så vidare... Mitt jobb ställer enorma krav då jag jobbar på en myndighet, ja, det handlar liksom om livsöden. Och det kan vara enormt stressande. Nu måste jag stressa iväg till jobbet, tjing! ;( /Victoria
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean; in the month of school I have left, I have two assignments, four exams, formal, graduation, ceremonies of celebration and of course, the general high school drama (friends not acting like friends, boys etc).
ReplyDeleteso I'm going to breathe. and relax. just like you
<3