I miss you.

Black sequin dress, a gift from my best friend Fanny's mother, from her boutique Räddningsplankan. Leopard print tights, H&M. Black and white studded brogues, Nelly.com. (They're on sale, 99 SEK!) The bag I inherited from Fanny after she passed away.

(Photos by Amanda.)

Last night, I drove into Stockholm to go to a movie premiere with my little sister Amanda. The film is called "Jag saknar dig" ("I miss you") and is based on a book that was my favorite when I was twelve, so I had been looking forward to seeing it for the longest time.

The tagline on the poster is "How do you survive losing a part of yourself?" - a question that I have been trying to answer during these past eleven months.

In the movie, 14 year old Tina loses her identical twin sister Cilla in a car accident, and after a lifetime of being part of a twosome she's suddenly left all alone, forced to try and find a way to go on with her life on her own. Let me just say this: I didn't put on any makeup before I left the house. At least I know myself that well. 

To my Swedish readers: go see the film. The acting and the dialogue is occasionally somewhat awkward, and yes, it's corny at times. But you know what? It's all okay. Because it's also wonderful, made with warmth and love and it's heartbreaking, to all of us who's lost the person we were closest with in the entire world and to everyone who can't even stand the thought of losing that one person who keeps you going. Basically, it's a film for everyone who could use a reminder to cherish the people in our lives, to never take them for granted, to never let the sun set upon an argument.

"How do you survive losing a part of yourself?" I have been asking myself that every second, every minute, every hour of every day for almost a year. And I still have no idea. I honestly don't. I don't even know for sure if I want to. But I'm working on it, I'm looking for reasons to live on and for ways to make it possible.

It wasn't until halfway through the movie that I realized I was wearing a dress given to me by Fanny's mom and a bag I inherited from her after she passed away. Maybe it means something. Maybe it doesn't. But I remember too well the first time I saw that bag, when I opened the door and let her into the tiny apartment Ronnie and I were living in at the time; she was wearing her green coat and a knitted beret and those tan leather boots I gave her because they turned out to be half a size too small for me. I ooooh:ed and aaaah:ed her new bag and she showed me the gorgeous lining print inside.
Of course I remember it. I remember everything.

I HATE THAT I NOW OWN THIS BAG. I can't even tell you how much I hate this godforsaken fact.

Anyway. On to other things.

The girl who dies in the film is in love with this tall, brooding rocker guy with eyeliner and lots of hair covering one side of his face; he's in love with her too and he writes her a song (before she dies) that they play about ten times (at least) during those two hours. That would have been pretty unbearable if the song wasn't quite great. I listened to it at least ten more times in the car, driving home in the dark and the pouring rain, and I have to say it's still just as good. Come on, listen to it!

The singer (Ludvig Nilsson) plays a big supporting part in the movie, but it wasn't until I got home and saw this video that it dawned on me why I think he's weirdly hot. Like, I don't necessarily find him that excessively hot, but I knew he reminded me of someone who is so ridiculously sexy that some of that sexiness spills over onto him. Suddenly it was all so obvious: he looks so much like Shane McCutcheon (The L-Word), a.k.a. the hottest person (allright, tv character) in the whole world.

Oh wow. This post sure jumps from one subject to another with uncomfortable speed. That might be because I'm only pretending to write this in the morning (you know "last night I drove into Stockholm" and so on), but it's actually 2:16am and I'm incredibly tired. (I figured 2:16 might be a bad time to upload a post, so I'm scheduling it for tomorrow morning. Plus, then you'll think I'm up and about at 9:30, when I will without a doubt be sleeping like a baby in my bed.) The cats are already sleeping next to me on the couch, and I think I just might follow their example.

Right - today, no, technically yesterday - is/was this blog's three-month-anniversary! Yay According to Annika! Thanks a billion to everyone who's reading and commenting, this blog would already be dead and gone if it wasn't for you. I can't even believe how many people (we're talking hundreds of thousands!) have stopped by so far, and the numbers seem to keep growing for every day that passes. Thank you again for taking an interest in me and my life. Blogging does take up a lot of time that could potentially be used for something more... I don't know... cleaning/exercising/reading/guitarplaying/work-related, but the amazing friends I've made in these three months make every second worthwhile.