Monday, June 6, 2011

How am I supposed to compete with someone who plays bass in a frickin band?!



A couple of months ago, I realized I hadn't painted my nails in ages. I mean, literally, years. Which maybe wouldn't be so strange if it wasn't for the fact that I really like colorful nailpolish. So why wouldn't I just paint them? It's not because I'm lazy or wouldn't take the three minutes to do it (even though that's sort of true, too). The reason is as simple as it is stupid: Since I just can't stop biting my nails, I figured I didn't deserve to paint them. Like, I've failed to achieve the neat, healthy nails I've always wished to have, so I should be punished by never ever painting them in bright colors.
...
...
...say what?

Gooosh, how I hate all these insane "rules" we make for ourselves! What on Earth did I think would happen if I did paint my short, stubby fingernails? That people would look at me and frown, point their perfectly manicured fingers and laugh condescendingly?

Sure, this whole nailpolish thing is not a big deal, not at all. But it still annoys me, because I've really tried to rid myself of all these "do's" and "don't's". So many of us put such immense pressure on ourselves and yes, a lot of it comes from our society's expectations and ideals, but we're the ones responsible for  maintaining and enforcing them. When we go long enough expecting ourselves to be perfect, after a while, we stop questioning it. It becomes second nature, a part of who we are. We stop asking ourselves: why am I doing this again? For whom? And what happens if I just... don't?

I'm talking about all these little mantras in the back of our heads. The ones who might sound a little bit like this: "I need to be the skinniest one in my class. If people don't look at me and think oh my gosh, she's so skinny, that means I'm completely worthless. If I don't pass my driving exam on the first try, I'm a failure and everyone is going to think I'm such a loser. I can't wear the same shirt to school twice this week or everyone will think I don't have any clothes or that I'm filthy, even though I washed it in between. If he doesn't call or text me in three days, that means he hates me and thinks I'm ugly or stupid or no, wait, he's probably met someone who's gorgeous and way cooler than me and plays bass in a band or something. How am I supposed to compete with someone who plays bass guitar in a frickin band?! I need to learn how to play an instrument! Like, now! Noone commented on my last blog post, that probably means the post was totally boring and if anyone even read it there were like yeah yeah whatever who gives a crap, I should just delete the whole blog, who am I kidding, noone's even going to notice it's gone. I heard the guy I like say to his friends that he thinks Megan Fox is hot, oh great, now I'm supposed to look like Megan Fox, I have to google her and see if maybe I could do my hair like hers or something. I wonder if Megan Fix plays bass guitar? I'm sure she does. The bitch. Oh crap, she always wears heels and I'm too tall to wear heels like that, too pale to wear lipstick, too flat to wear tube tops too fat to wear skinny jeans too this too that too aaaaaaah!"

I thought I'd given up on all of this. But it's hard to break a habit if you don't even realize it's there. It's hard to become the person you want to be if you've forgotten why you are the way you are. The only thing I can do is to keep asking myself: what do I want? Did I make this decision, or did someone make it for me?

All I know is that right now my nails are painted a bright blue. And if I may say so myself, I think they look pretty awesome.


17 comments:

  1. ahahaha that is QUITE the rant to go on stemming from nailpolish.

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  2. Well, what can I say - that's just me! ;)

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  3. "All I know is that right now my nails are painted a bright blue. And if I may say so myself, I think they look pretty awesome."

    YOU are awesome!
    I love your posts, your photos, your outfits, your style, your cute country cottage, your kitty....your honesty and openess. I look forward to viewing and reading your blog every day. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. I love painting my nails! In fact it is something I need to do soon...I like yours; that color is awesome. :)
    And I know what you mean, I wish I could extinguish that nagging voice, too. Sometimes it can be motivational, though...but other times it is just annoying. :P

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  5. I absolutely adore the rant you went on, Annika! It's extremely relatable, and funny to see it all written out.

    And your nails look fabulous - I love painting my short stubby nails! :)

    ~Shayli
    what the mirror saw.

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  6. I have the same problem: I can't stop biting my nails! It's really annoying because I also like colourful nailpolish but my nails are so short and wide that I

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  7. don't think it's appropriate to paint them! Anyway yours is a beautiful colour!

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. I'm in love with your blog Annika! love your photography and style and your nails are great in bule!!! ;)

    http://russetplait.blogspot.com/

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  10. beautiful pictures as always dear!! i love your nails!!
    http://mychoicesaremystyle.blogspot.com/

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  11. This really made me smile because I know so many of those crazy thought myself, too! It's really hard breaking with those bad habits, but taking teeny tiny baby steps like wearing blue nail polish will hopefully somedays lead to much, much happiness!
    http://weeklytwice.blogspot.com/

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  12. The demands that we think we have to meet is just so ridiculous! We have to be skinny, we have to have loong legs, we have to look gorgeous, we have to look tall, sometimes so overwhelming! It's so awesome to actually find someone who is willing to talk about it and take risks.

    I love your nails by the way.

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  13. you're hilarious :] and also vrey right on this topic.
    I always recognize myself.. :]

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  14. i love your blog! you r so amazingly pretty!!!and your style is so effortlessly chic not to mention the photography is gorgeous? who does it?
    and i absolutely love what you write,the topics you touch, the amusing ones, the sad ones, the wise ones, really personal and really moving .really glad i chanced upon your blog.
    if possible do drop by my blog
    http://fashionfollowsabem.blogspot.com/

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  15. Oh my - this post just gives me one more reason to whole-heartedly admire your blog (as if I actually needed another reason!) Insightful with a sardonic, dark humour and oh so perfectly observed. There are SO many ways that we judge ourselves negatively. It's insidious, this whole constant keeping score in some sort of self-referential tick box system. I love the simplicity of your suggestion that we ask ourselves, "Did I make this decision, or did someone make it for me?" Now THAT'S a great sounding alternative mantra.
    On another note, thank you for your wonderfully supportive comments on my last post. I appreciate them so much. I was away from the internet for 5 days on a family trip that included a couple of nights camping. So, when I got home last night I thought I'd catch up with your posts. I got no further than reading about the loss of your best friend...left a comment and headed off to bed. That piece of writing is still reverberating in my thoughts, and will do no doubt for a long time.

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  16. great nails, & rant, but you know that if you or whoever did play bass guitar they would have to have short stubby fingernails to press down on the frets. i don't play bass, but i attempt to play guitar, sorta unsuccessfully. & megan fox is totally married, so she's not really available for guy blah, blah, blah to date anyway. ;)

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