How am I supposed to compete with someone who plays bass in a frickin band?!

A couple of months ago, I realized I hadn't painted my nails in ages. I mean, literally, years. Which maybe wouldn't be so strange if it wasn't for the fact that I really like colorful nailpolish. So why wouldn't I just paint them? It's not because I'm lazy or wouldn't take the three minutes to do it (even though that's sort of true, too). The reason is as simple as it is stupid: Since I just can't stop biting my nails, I figured I didn't deserve to paint them. Like, I've failed to achieve the neat, healthy nails I've always wished to have, so I should be punished by never ever painting them in bright colors.
...
...
...say what?

Gooosh, how I hate all these insane "rules" we make for ourselves! What on Earth did I think would happen if I did paint my short, stubby fingernails? That people would look at me and frown, point their perfectly manicured fingers and laugh condescendingly?

Sure, this whole nailpolish thing is not a big deal, not at all. But it still annoys me, because I've really tried to rid myself of all these "do's" and "don't's". So many of us put such immense pressure on ourselves and yes, a lot of it comes from our society's expectations and ideals, but we're the ones responsible for  maintaining and enforcing them. When we go long enough expecting ourselves to be perfect, after a while, we stop questioning it. It becomes second nature, a part of who we are. We stop asking ourselves: why am I doing this again? For whom? And what happens if I just... don't?

I'm talking about all these little mantras in the back of our heads. The ones who might sound a little bit like this: "I need to be the skinniest one in my class. If people don't look at me and think oh my gosh, she's so skinny, that means I'm completely worthless. If I don't pass my driving exam on the first try, I'm a failure and everyone is going to think I'm such a loser. I can't wear the same shirt to school twice this week or everyone will think I don't have any clothes or that I'm filthy, even though I washed it in between. If he doesn't call or text me in three days, that means he hates me and thinks I'm ugly or stupid or no, wait, he's probably met someone who's gorgeous and way cooler than me and plays bass in a band or something. How am I supposed to compete with someone who plays bass guitar in a frickin band?! I need to learn how to play an instrument! Like, now! Noone commented on my last blog post, that probably means the post was totally boring and if anyone even read it there were like yeah yeah whatever who gives a crap, I should just delete the whole blog, who am I kidding, noone's even going to notice it's gone. I heard the guy I like say to his friends that he thinks Megan Fox is hot, oh great, now I'm supposed to look like Megan Fox, I have to google her and see if maybe I could do my hair like hers or something. I wonder if Megan Fix plays bass guitar? I'm sure she does. The bitch. Oh crap, she always wears heels and I'm too tall to wear heels like that, too pale to wear lipstick, too flat to wear tube tops too fat to wear skinny jeans too this too that too aaaaaaah!"

I thought I'd given up on all of this. But it's hard to break a habit if you don't even realize it's there. It's hard to become the person you want to be if you've forgotten why you are the way you are. The only thing I can do is to keep asking myself: what do I want? Did I make this decision, or did someone make it for me?

All I know is that right now my nails are painted a bright blue. And if I may say so myself, I think they look pretty awesome.