Thursday, June 16, 2011

I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now I see.

"Hey, lady, put me down! I see a fly I need to catch. Mommyyyy! Put me down right this second or I will chew on your new blazer while you're sleeping!"

Black satin shorts, Weekday. Off-white pin-striped blazer, Emporio Armani. White t-shirt, Johanna Vikman. My new chunky heels, Vagabond.

Isn't it funny how a few weeks of warm weather can change the way you look at things? At least that's what I've just realized. You see, I used to be extremely uncomfortable wearing shorts with bare legs. I never liked my legs, and though I've learned to tolerate them, I'd still rather not show them off unless I really have to.

But then I started waking up every morning to warm, glowing sunlight, and full length pants were usually not an option. Incidentally, this was about the same time as I decided to start my blog. So time and time and time again - and then a few more times - I didn't just wear shorts, flaunting my pale legs "irl" all day, I even uploaded photos of them online. 

At first, I had to have a serious talk with myself every time: "stop being such a baby! People have other things to care about than your legs. Yes, there are plenty of girls out there who have longer legs, thighs that are skinnier or more fit, less knobbly knees, whatever. But there are also a lot of people with shorter, curvier legs - do you find them less attractive? Maybe you think that they shouldn't wear shorts or post outfit photos at all? Oh, that's not what you think? Good. I thought so. Then get over yourself already."

But the sunshine was here to stay, and as the weeks passed, I stopped having that silly pep talk before pressing the "publish post"-button. I didn't need it anymore, I didn't even think about it. My legs were just legs, the shorts just... shorts. Like they had been the whole time. I just hadn't seen it.

So, I do think it's funny how we get used to things. For better or for worse. I've had the same experience with make up - during periods of time when I've been all dolled up every day, I've almost started crying at night when I wash my face and see how "old" and "ugly" I look without all those products covering me up. When that happens, I know it's time to not wear any make up at all. Sure, the first couple of days I'll feel like shit and think insane and self-obsessed thoughts like "I can't go to the grocery store like this, I just can't, people will laugh or throw up when they see me" (yeah, I'm well aware that I'm a total drama queen and somewhat crazy). But then, given some time, I'll forget why I even used to bother wearing make up. "Why would I? I look awesome without it, why waste time and energy putting a bunch of greasy stuff on my face!" (And later, I'll be going to a party and decide to put some macara and lipstick on, and I'll be like "wow, I look so different, maybe I should do this more often" - and so it begins again.)

I very much hope that the same thing can eventually happen when it comes to grieving the loss of the person you love the most. That one day I will get used to waking up in the morning knowing she won't be there. That I won't pick up the phone, ready to dial her number and tell her all about this really funny thing I just heard, only to put it down again and fall to pieces. That, at some point in the distant future, I will be able to think of her without feeling like I'm going to suffocate, but instead remember all the beauty she brought to my life. I don't believe that "time heals all wounds", but I hope that time will help me get used to living without her.

Changing the subject! My mom gave me this blazer when I was in Stockholm on Monday, she never wears it anymore and figured it would look good on me. I don't know what you guys think, but I for one find it amazing. I have tons of blazers: a few black ones, some in navy blue (four of those, actually), the salmon pink one, a grey one, one in bright purple - but, for some reason, none in a lighter shade. Until now! It's sort of off/creamy white, with silky pin stripes, and it's so beautiful. I feel very elegant, business-like and a lot like a grown-up in it, haha! Which is probably about freakin' time. We have a saying in Sweden that's like "well, I'm not twenty anymore", and I sure am not. Thank God for that. Twenty was a crappy year in my life. Getting older is probably that best thing that's ever happened to me.





21 comments:

  1. I love the blazer, and you look great in shorts...I'm not sure how long it takes to wake up and feel a change. I think it gets easier but the pain although gets duller, becomes a part of you. Knowing that she is still with you helps too...xoxo

    Aesthetic Lounge

    ReplyDelete
  2. You look amazing! I love the photos and the scenery! <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. pale legs are beautiful! and your ones are so long and skinny, so you should be proud of them everytime you wear shorts!

    Btw, you look great as always.
    I love your new heels!

    You're my biggest inspiration ;*

    ReplyDelete
  4. Three wonderful posts in one day - Your are Super Blogger. And I love your writing, it is so entertaining to read. I think you might have the life/jobs I'd love to have one day.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You know, I've read this quote the other day, it went something like: 'All we do in life is standing, sitting, lying down. The rest is a story'- a story that we create with our thoughts; a story that only exists inside our heads. And usually the story has got no reference to real life at all.
    It's crazy how we fill our days with worrying, being afraid, judging, when all we have to do is to LOOK. Really LOOK.
    Your legs are perfectly fine, Annika. Just LOOK and see. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. your legs are beautiful, dear!
    I just read all your posts and I'm speechless.
    I'm your fan now :D
    say hi to your cat!

    <3
    http://nadyagita.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beautiful photos and outfit! LOVE!

    http://stilettosanddiaperbags.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  8. post so more of your photos, you're a true beauty. Just perfect. How tall are you? You have super skinny figure.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your so lovely.!!
    xo

    the-strawberry-angel.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beautiful Annika - that last photo of you on the bottom right is stunning. I have just read your "to me greatest love" post and it nearly had me in tears it is so beautiful. I think it's ok to not get used to things - otherwise we forget the way our lives worked for certain periods in our lives. On a more upbeat note, great to see the new heels out and about!

    Alexandra xx

    www.alexandratherese.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are so beautiful! Love all the photos, the one with the cat is so adorable. New obsession with this blog :) What camera do you have? I need a new one, my one is rubbish, and yours looks great!

    Following you, would love to see you follow back,
    neonrosefashion.blogspot.com
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  12. wow, I just discovered your blog and I´m blown away! You´re awesome, seriously :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. absolutely gorgeous outfit! and your cat is adorable too! love your blog, definitely following!
    www.styleisalwaysfashionable.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks for this post. It's crazy the stuff that goes on in our heads sometimes. I've been feeling similar lately and now I feel like things are a little more in perspective after reading this.

    Bohemian Renaissance Woman

    renaissancelex.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Okay. I'm about to freak you out forever! But I have to tell you... you are my Swedish soul sister ;) Just kidding! Sort of... Ha. Or to explain: I wore this EXACT same outfit today. I'm not kidding! Although I have been checking out your blog every day, so perhaps not that surprising I absorbed some of your style ideas. Well, the same except no blazer because it was 80 in NYC. An ivory cropped top instead of tucked in, similar black shorts and similar shoes except yours are nicer..I wasn't sure if I wanted to commit to that style (as in spending a lot) but now I wish I had because I wear them every day. (So anyone who reads this buy the nice version! It's worth it ;)) And also to explain (my crazy enthusiasm for your blog) your encouragement has meant SO MUCH to me. Just seeing that there are other girls modeling who aren't ditzes and are doing more with their lives and that modeling can be a (fun) part of a whole other life... really helped me out of a rut. I finally just said to myself (in a similar pep-talk style way you said it to yourself): To hell with it. Sure I put on a few pounds but I'm fit and happy with my life! I've been going to castings again, and I've been getting every one! Every one! At my current (gasp) 137 pounds. I shot a beautiful catalogue today plus video, shooting another one tomorrow, and I wore this outfit after my shoot to my first lingerie market casting in a loooong ( since that's as super-intimidating as it gets)time and I got the job ON THE SPOT. That's never happened to me. There's more to my crash in confidence than gaining a few pounds, but it's amazing the effect a few kind words from someone whose style and ethos I admire had on me. And a few other decisions I've made on my own of course, but I think your words were a catalyst.
    All the best,
    Your raving lunatic super fan ;)
    Izzy
    P.S. Really beautiful pictures by the way and the ones with your cat are adorable. I can't even take pictures with my kitty, because she looks so mad it's not cute. She knows the flash sound now. She absolutely hates it!

    ReplyDelete
  16. the very last line written was my favorite

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your legs are fine Annika! In fact, shorts look pretty good on you.
    I used to have that problem with some of my tops, but then I just popped in my iPod and everything was alright. For me, music helps me not to worry about what other people think :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. You look gorgeous! And those shoes are to die for.

    http://lifeisaromanticpoem.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  19. I always say the first year is the hardest and then then you can get on with everything fully. A year will go by quickly and soon enough you can let go of some of the grief

    http://kittyonadumpster.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  20. i love the way you mix clothes with emotions. even you have so mandy pieces, for you it's always something special i think. that's what i think is the most important thing in fashion. how boring would it be if you have tons of clothes and outfits and they mean nothing to you. i think clothes made you kinda more brave and selfconfident! and i just have to say it: these shorts look so smart on you! no need to worry about your body! when you can't wear this, then i ask myself, who else, huh?
    love, nastassja

    ReplyDelete
  21. In the black'n white picture you look exactly like Barbro Andersen!
    I know how it feels to loose somebody you love.
    The wounds never heals but the pain slowly fades, even though you'll never forget.
    Styrkekramar till dig Annika!

    ReplyDelete